One Step At A Time

Christmas in my Heart! :)

2011-12-26T19:12:00.000+08:00

Merry Christmas!!! =)

How's your christmas this year? Hope you had a good christmas with you loved ones.

Can't believe that it's end of year again. Really love christmas for too many reasons. To me, the air around christmas has always been the most wonderful. Not so much for the gift exchange, but more for the word 'Christmas' itself - it exudes an atmosphere of love, being together, and remembrance.

Went caroling with church again this year. Though this is something that we do every year, this time it gives me a different significance for I had the chance to help out with the planning with brother randy, although the contribution is little. Didn't sleep much the night before caroling for I was out with ssg peeps till near 4 am, and having to work the next day really makes things harder. But ONE thing is true that when the heart is truly joyful, adrenaline and endorphine will naturally be secreted in extra-ordinary amount and make you pull through the day with sufficient energy and strength. I'm glad that the reservoir of adrenaline+endorphine were just enough on christmas eve and with great companions like my brothers and sisters in Christ, things have never been too difficult :) Really enjoyed the message shared during caroling, and I'm glad that God once again re-inforce the value of being God's child this Christmas. It is not about my condition, it's about me and my identity. Amen that Christmas is here again to give us a timely reminder. And Amen that Christmas comes and goes but Jesus always stays with us through it all. Amen =)

This Christmas has an added meaning to me too. My parents, elder brother and sister-in-law were in Singapore this Christmas to spend time with us. Can I tell you that I'm really really filled with loads gratitude these few days? Have been wondering how to tell my parents that I won't be with them during Christmas eve because I will be with my church having caroling. Had so much fear brewing in my heart that they would be sad and hurt if I were to attend Christmas service and left them at home.

However, the more me and my sister thought about it, the more we were sure that escapism is no longer the solution. Our Lord has brought us this far. I just want to say - I'm really really very happy. I know the battle is not over but God is faithful to us. The fact that my siblings and myself were there during christmas service and being ministered by the message is a confirmation from God that He will take charge. That morning, as 4 of us were eating McDonald breakfast together and saying prayer for our family, somehow my heart grew a bit fonder, a bit stronger, and a bit calmer. God's in control and I should stop playing mind game from now on. I just need to live out Christ in every role of my life - a daughter, a sister in the family and in church, and a pharmacist at work. Although we joined them after church, although there're many unspoken feelings in their hearts, we spent the rest of the day well. It's more than enough already :) I pray that we can give our parents true Christmas one day, in Lord's timetable.

Blessed Christmas to you. I realize that God's the best Santa Claus I can ever ask for. As I recount my blessing one by one, I cannot deny that His grace is always there and in many strongholds of my life, He has kept me safe and wrestled the Satan.

Really, all I want for Christmas is You my Lord!

Your Love

2011-12-10T15:20:00.001+08:00

Lately I've been listening to this song over and over again. Somehow, when I'm voiceless, speechless, or don't feel like saying anything at all, so much mixed feelings embedded within this tiny heart.. this song seems to sing out the speechlessness so well.

祢創造宇宙萬物統管一切所有
但祢卻關心我的需要
了解我的感受
祢手鋪陳天上雲彩
打造永恆國度
但這雙手卻甘心為我
忍受徹骨釘傷苦痛
祢公義審判萬民
聖潔光照全地
但祢卻一再賜恩典
一再施憐憫
給我機會回轉向祢

祢的愛如此溫柔
超乎我心所想
這樣大有能力的主
竟捧我在手掌心上

祢的愛如此深切
我知我無以報答
但願倒空我的生命
學習祢謙卑的樣式
背起我自己的十字架.

Daily bread

2011-12-07T12:25:00.001+08:00

I have not been taking MC for the longest time ever. And finally before the year ends, I could take 1.5 days MC. Falling sick is no joke. Nobody likes to be sick. Was down with fever, cough and cold yesterday and finally decided I should rest at home.

The cough syrup is good. No wonder people likes to abuse it. It knocked me out from 7pm last night to 8am this morning and I didn't remember coughing through the night. With just 10ml. The great discovery of morphine-like cough syrup is surely good :)

Wonder how's things over there in China.. must be tough spiritual wars ongoing.

Anyway, lately I have been wondering what's the most constant thing in me through the year? Things change and habits change too, but the one thing that has never changed in me is the love for bread :)

Lord, give us each day our daily bread :)

I just realized that I'm really a bread-lover. I love to eat bread for breakfast. If not lunch/dinner. And bread is the only thing that I consistently buy through the years. So I think I really like bread a lot. :)

You of Little Faith!

2011-11-06T18:19:00.000+08:00

I shall not wait for the new year to give my blog a new look.

Who says one can only get new stuff in a new year? For every day is new hence all things can be treated anew each day! :)

Have been wanting to rename my blog but it has always been difficult. For Living by Grace (the old name) has led me through the past four years and indeed these four years have been filled with abundance of God's grace and love.

But today, after the pulpit message, I have the conviction to change it to Living by Faith to remind myself 'You of Little Faith!'

Haha, I shall leave it like this for the time being :)

Priceless

2011-09-19T13:53:00.001+08:00

This is my 229th post. I'm glad I've written so much over the years. Thank you for accompanying me all this while. :)

How have you been? It's almost October already. Did you spend the past 9 months of 2011 well? As for me, 2011 has been fabulous. This year is indeed a special year for my soul, my Spirit, my life, and my family.

It's wonderful to be able to live,and breathe, and laugh, and shed tears. Don't you agree with me? Life will be so dry and meaningless without all these emotions and series of events that happened in each of our lives.

Right now, I am in the airport waiting for my flight to Singapore. I'm early because I came to the airport with my brother and sister-in-law :) they just left for their honeymoon. I hope they can take a good break and enjoy themselves. Regardless of what the world thinks, my brother had fought a tough war and I hope he can indulge in some private moments with Kelly.

How I wish I am on a hilltop, sitting in a cafe and enjoying the sceneries surrounding me. :) somehow, my heart feels so full. As if it's filled with a lot of unspeakable joy and peace. Listening to the beautiful music from my iPod, somehow, I feel somewhat blissful.

I once heard someone saying, waiting can be dreadful. But it can also be an enjoyable moment, for the heart is the source of everything.

珍惜

2011-09-07T23:39:00.004+08:00

My colleague was on leave one day and I needed to cover her ward. Geriatric Medicine ward (老人科). A ward which I started out as a pharmacist.

I stepped into the ward only to realize much had since changed. The walls have more decorations radiating some warmth to the already ZEN atmosphere. I walked to the end of the corridor to get myself a cup of water, while taking time to have a slow glance of all the patients in the ward.

I saw a poster pasted on the wall of the geriatric ward pantry where family and caregivers can get water from. The four chinese characters caught my eyes. They are very familiar to me because I have the same poster pasted on the wall of my dining room back in KL.

Unknowingly, I started tearing when I read the whole passage.

My father printed this poster 6 years back and pasted it on the dining wall. One day, when I came home during one of my school vacations, he asked all of us to have a read. My heart sank after reading it, for I know I've owed them much. I have been away from home for almost 11 years now. They must have felt lonely and abandoned many times. I understand they yearn to have us accompanying them as much as possible, yet they have never really expressed their innermost desires for fear of hindering our development. We're their everything. But they have an unspoken sorrow and sadness lingering in their hearts because they know that they are not their children's everything. These were my realizations when I read the article in my dining hall that day. They must have been living in fear all this while. They fear their children leaving them. They are afraid of not being loved. They feel alone and might suffer in their illness and die alone.

That day when daddy broke down in front of me - I really felt like dying. I've never heard or seen him crying. It was the first time I realized that my daddy has become so old. So old that he has now given in to sadness. First time knowing what it means by heartwrenching. Daddy wailed with pain. Mommy was crying. Me and my sister too.

我最坚强的爸爸哭了。最最爱我们的人也因他最最爱的人伤到极点了。原来伤了别人的心是很痛的。伤了最最心爱的人其实是很很痛，痛得很想把他的痛快快转移到自己身上。

I was praying that if God could, please take away the sadness.

But the sadness remained.

And the scene kept replaying in my mind every now and then.

Daddy didn't do anything wrong to us. All he has done is loving us in his own way this entire life. To me, he's the greatest father i can ever ask for. I know God's love is unconditional and my daddy's love is although near unconditional, it cannot accept betrayal. However, my daddy's love is sufficient for me.

I remembered daddy being very busy when I was much younger. I remembered daddy worked very hard because he has a mother, a wife, and 5 children. I remembered daddy always appeared in every external competition I took part so that I wouldn't be afraid. I remembered daddy drove 6 hours to singapore and 6 hours back to KL almost every month when I was in secondary school just to ensure I were well, despite spending less than 4 hours with me only.

I also remembered daddy always provides for us even before we ask, because he's afraid that we may be suffering in silence. I remembered daddy feeling sad but didn't dare to show it when he saw me being quite depressed 4 years back. There seem to be too much memories with daddy the great inside.

Honestly, daddy was my sky. He made himself our sky so that he can protect us.

But now, daddy knew that he's not our sky, and that God's our sky. The betrayal, the "my children will not listen to me anymore" and many many more feelings seem to have gripped him and tortured him.

Many times, I kept thinking why would such thing happen to us? Daddy was my pillar of strength, what kind of greater strength can surpass my daddy's love that's already so overwhelmingly powerful? Why do I now call to God for help every now and then and why He is the source of my strength now?

If we have never come to Singapore, perhaps the story will be written in another way. But there's no If, for it's definite and planned for us to be here.

这是恩典之路。

没有来到这里，我就没有单单听到福音的机会。因为爱爸爸，因为要爸爸真正的快乐，上帝把他心爱的子女带离他。因为要给爸爸重生和明白重生后的自由和快乐，上帝让我们听到福音，信到福音，不能离开福音，只因为唯一能震撼爸爸的人，就是他最最最爱的子女。

很多时候，我在想，上帝真的做了很多不能让人理解的事情。为什么上帝能那么样轻轻松松地就超越了爸爸在我心里的位置？为什么有了上帝就似乎失去了爸爸呢？为什么就这样信了上帝了呢？其实我也不知道。至今，我还是觉得是上帝自己来找我，找我的爸爸，不是我努力去寻找上帝。我很清楚若不是上帝自己的“拯救爸爸的灵，心，身”计划，世上没有任何东西会使我忍心伤害爸爸，我们每个人都是这样。

I think perhaps I can understand what it means by "The wind blows wherever it pleases. You hear its sound, but you cannot tell where it comes from or where it is going. So it is with everyone born of the Spirit."John 3:8

All this while, I've been wanting to tell daddy about my God.

I have been wanting to tell him that I'm really very thankful that God came to find me and made me His child. Because He came to find me, He gave me the ability to understand His thoughts too. Have been wanting to tell daddy that accepting Christ is not about going to heaven after we die, it's about knowing heaven is here on earth even when we're breathing. Have been wanting to tell daddy that I am not afraid of tomorrow because God is holding my hands now and tomorrow and every day, and that's how I passed my every day for the past 10 years.

Daddy, have been wanting to tell you that like you, I am also afraid of loneliness. But every time before I could feel loneliness come near to me, God's love and words fill my heart again and I see angels coming to me and loneliness won't have a chance to have a foothold in my life. I really want to share this with you, so that you needn't be afraid, and know that you've never lost your children all this while. Wanted to tell you that I love you daddy. And God loves you too. His love can overwhelm every good and bad things on earth. His love is unchanging because He is an unchanging God. He gives me peace, and He made a covenant with me. He gave me a reason to live, and show me how to breathe. And He loves me even when I'm a bad girl and when I'm weak. I want you to know Him so badly.

Daddy, I tried reading my old blog posts again. One day, I would love you to read them too. From 2007 to 2011, I tried to read and recall what happened then, and why it happened, and what I've become now. But daddy, as I read, once again, I felt thankful that God's been there all this while to lead, guide, and educate me the path of life and I really think I've grown up. I realize that it's heaven to be able to identify and follow God's voice in my life. It's bliss to be able to reciprocate and being reciprocated. He teaches me what's important in life, how to love people including you, and how to overcome the many strongholds in my life. He extricated me from the many bondages of flesh, likewise, I pray that one day, the bondages in you and the burdens on your shoulder will be released too. Daddy, it upsets me to see how these baggages weigh you down and takes away your freedom. Sometimes, I feel that you're living in hell, for you're so tormented. It's my greatest wish that you can live in heaven even now.

Again, God knows my deepest thought. He knows I'll never be able to be firm in front of my own father. Yet He has known and heard our prayers for our family salvation. If not for this wedding, I think daddy will always be in denial, refusing to face the truth and confront God.

I felt so much better now. I don't want to waste daddy's time anymore. One day, when he's leaving this world and we're still in the same old hesitant state, I know we will blame ourselves for not standing firm to fight the spiritual war. I will be in total despair knowing my dad's soul is lost so Lord, open our eyes and hearts, we want to hear your voice. Give us the courage to bear the pain. Let us carry our father's cross. Assure us once again that our faith will win the war and our parents will be saved. Show us You're still in control. Help our disbelief. Use the pain and sufferings Lord, make us Your vessels to do greater things.

2011-08-02T08:57:00.002+08:00

Fear of man will prove to be a snare, but whoever trusts in the lord is kept safe.

(Proverbs 29:25 NIV)

And I really miss you

2011-07-11T22:24:00.001+08:00

Daniel just messaged me.

He said Mr Ngooi had passed away.

It came all too sudden I felt very painful within me and still am.

Memories of him kept flashing back and somehow it got more intense.

I miss my Mr Highly Praised so much, and the thought that his sense of humor and wisdom talks are now bygones simply makes the heart feels so painful.

What happened to him?
Where are you Mr Ngooi? Are you in Lord's arms now?

A large part of me felt so regretful. I didn't visit him for the past 3 years. I should have.

I should have sensed his health went downhill when I saw him at sushi king that day.

It's too late. :(

Work. Play. Live

2011-05-16T22:11:00.002+08:00

Hello sweetheart.....

Don't worry k... I'll be gentle...

WAHAHAHA........

.*poke*.

ARRRRHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Haha. Must be wondering why I'm taking these shots huh? No reasons haha!

How's your day?

I have had a good and blessed day. It's just an ordinary Monday but God made it so realistically well-spent. No big happenings actually. Just that when I played the 'rewind' button on my day I felt so joyful and peaceful.

Maybe it's all about communicating with Him.
ICU review was like any other day but the heart felt so light.

Yesterday morning, I was waken up by a sms of someone remotely close. This person was a student who used to do attachment in my hospital while I was a pre-reg pharmacist and for a lot of reasons, I disliked him then. Although he is a Christian I just didn't have a good 'feelings' about him. I simply didn't like him. And he knew it too.

Perhaps we both had our own share of spiritual hardships and growth. Over time, I realized that my attitude towards him softened - because he left the hospital after his attachment; and also because I saw his transformation from a 'seemingly immature boy' to a more sensible guy, gradually more godly?

God changes people.
I deeply believe that. For many instances God has proven this statement true.
In this case, I know that it's not this person that God changes, but it's me that God has changed.

I was once so foolish. To judge people so easily and to think of myself too much. I am not any better than anyone actually. What's gotten into me to have thought of others as inferior and despicable? Shame shame Shame!

Yesterday, he sms-ed me to ask for help. His dad got admitted for a mini-stroke and he asked me who's the pharmacist in-charge of his father. The moment I received the sms from him, surprisingly, I wasn't disgusted by the sender's 'name'. Actually, what God taught me last Sunday did trigger a button in me. A stop and wait, then say, button.

So I replied and answered all his questions. I knew that he's concerned because he needs to return to the camp in a few days time and his father is just warded to the hospital. We exchanged a few sms-es, prayed for him and the family and he asked if he could look for me today.

Today when I went to see his father, their pastor was at bedside and talking to the family. I then met my 'friend' and updated him, explained the condition, the treatment and rationales of the choices of treatment, and answered all his queries. His father was a bit upset because of his condition but we knew that when the medicine has already been in place, what we should do next is to turn to God and seek Him.

All in all, I just felt thankful. God worked between me and the friend and I'm happy because my friend's comforted.. Because of His presence between us, we forged a bond that's of a different kind. This friendship is so different. To me, it's a friendship that is from God and can only be sustained by Him.

Randomness again haha :)

Greetings!

2011-05-14T22:45:00.000+08:00

Hello, how are you?

Sorry for the lack of updates. Don't know if you have such a feeling, but I often feel as if I don't have enough time to rest, reflect and to feel relieved ever since I've become a pharmacist. Sometimes, when the night has come, and I'm on my bed going to fall asleep - I do feel a tinge of regret and sadness for not living well that day.

In medical term - the above-mentioned manifestation could be signs and symptoms of depression. Haha!

Don't worry, I'm not depressed. I'm glad that there're 'emo' moments in me because I'm still a human and there's always the battle of flesh within me. Perhaps it's also for the same reason that I see the continual need to seek God, to pray, and to continue my brethren living although sometimes it could be tiring.

Anyway, just some random thoughts :) Felt bad for having this website up but not running.

I have a new phone! iphone! whee :D

I miss the guitar in penang :)

So Near Yet So Far

2011-03-28T00:39:00.000+08:00

It's 12.39am already. I cannot fall asleep.

He went out of the house an hour ago without his wallet.

And he didn't bring cigarette. That's unusual, because almost 95% of the times, he goes downstairs for his 'wisdom walk' with his cigarettes.

Honestly, I cannot ignore the aura radiated from him the whole day. How should I describe - frustration, worried, pissed etc etc.

The aura felt so negative.

We can sense something brewing.

But he refuses to speak nor share.

Why is it that we are so near, yet so far. Satan is really toying us - really dislike you.

Must something really happen before one comes before You?

Ah... the door's opened. He's back.

Call me to Wake Up

2011-03-16T23:42:00.000+08:00

Realized that it was January when I last posted something here. Sometimes I wonder what keeps people continue blogging/ writing diaries? As for me, I think it's because I want to talk to someone that's why I write. Yet I can't seem to find the best person to voice out my thoughts. Or rather, I can't seem to find a right time to talk to the right person about the very right thing that I want to talk about.

Honestly, there's been an explosion of thoughts and emotions in me over a span of 3 months.

Would like to ask a simple question. Have you ever prayed for a dying person/ a person who's just announced dead with a fearful heart? or.. Will you be afraid that the person who's just passed away suddenly jerk and open his eyes widely and stare at you while you're praying for him?

I felt a whole lot of these awhile ago.

And if one really probe deeper, why would one has such a fearful heart?

Answer is simple - because you think you might have done something wrong to the person.

I felt awful. It didn't occur to me that the situations will take such a sharp turn. Uncle had a very bad infection that could possibly take his life away but he responded to the more potent antibiotic which was given over a course of 2 weeks. The team was planning for step down care/ discharging to nursing home already when the situation suddenly turned quite bad. Very bad.

Perhaps I should have realized it sooner. Perhaps certain things should be pointed out much earlier. But he only came under my care on Monday when I managed to point it out on Tuesday. Did a lot of literature search but perhaps it's really too late to even do, or stop, anything.

Walked past the room and saw palliative nurse attending to him. Palliative = end of life. The blood pressure was low at 50 systolic only and we all know we're losing him.

Felt horrible really. Uncle is a christian. The son is a musician and no one sees it coming. Shock is the word. Son didnt want daddy to die alone. He was rushing over very soon. The palliative nurse, being a very kind soul, played christian songs at background.

Uncle appeared peaceful.

Felt so sorry for him - for the pain, for the what if's, for the no one around at that point of time.

I didn't know if he's conscious enough to know that God's with Him.

I hoped he didn't feel alone and knew that God's there with Him.

My heart urged me to whisper a prayer near his ear. I did - but honestly, I didn't know what to pray except to reassure uncle that he's safe in God arms and he fought a good journey in this carnal world. Shame on me. More shameful that this is, a part of me felt that I could have done more for him, thus feared that he'll blame me.

After praying for uncle I left the room. Couldn't take the emotions.

Kept asking why I had those apologetic feelings. Perhaps it's because I think I can do a lot for him, and may be to all my patients when the fact is, there's nothing that I can do for anyone at all in this world because I'm nothing of that kind of capability.

I am not God, I am not the one who created all the things on earth including humans. The guilt came because I thought I could have done something for him. Because I'm have some pathetic knowledge about drugs and disease I thought I could have helped.

But those knowledge that I acquired cannot save souls and it drowns away mine. I have been blinded.

When was the last time I seek guidance from God while at work I asked. I can't seem to remember. Such a joke. I have been working for myself, thinking that I can save the world when I should turn to God and not myself for every patient that I review - because it's only then that I can serve God at work and see how He uses me at work. I did not even seek His perfect will in every situations that come my way. All I did was to feel lousy, angry and sorrowful.

Such a fool.

Today

2011-01-17T23:02:00.000+08:00

I went for a jog around my estate after work today. Attempted to leave on time because I shouldn't stay any further. I have a secret place now! Next time if you jog with me, I'll bring you there!

Today there's a drama in my ward.

I stepped into the ward after lunch and I heard someone crying very badly.

Voice of an old lady. She was sitting on a wheelchair. She was wearing hospital clothes. Foul smells. And she was crying very badly beside a bed.

The bed. An old uncle. Non-communicative. Toxic looking. Barely able to respond to her cries.

And she kept crying and crying.

When I probed further - the story goes like this.

Once upon a time, an old couple was admitted to the same hospital. Uncle was very sick. Auntie wasn't any better. But because of bed crunch, they were separated into different wards. Old auntie didnt want to leave old uncle. She kept crying and crying saying that she wanna be by his side. She was told that even in the same ward, both of them won't be in the same cubicle anyway because of gender issues.

But she kept crying and crying in her ever fluent Hokkien, asking people not to separate them. And she refused to be pushed away. Denied any treatment to the source of the foul smell coming from her leg.

The drama continued after I left.

Life. is. so. fragile.

Life. is. so. helpless.

They need God.

How?

Refine My Heart

2011-01-10T01:11:00.000+08:00

Do not love the world or anything in the world. If anyone loves the world, the love of the Father is not in Him. For everything in the world - the cravings of sinful man, the lust of his eyes and the boasting of what he has and does - comes not from the Father but from the world. The world and its desires pass away, but the man who does the will of God lives forever.
1 John 2:15-27

Oft times when life is giving, and bounty I receive,

I put my trust in earthly things; To sinful ways I cleave.

But when in faith I fix my eyes on Thy celestial Throne,

I then bow ashamed at my vain pride and worship Thee alone.

Woe is me, Woe is me,

for I am as one undone;

my voice can only praise Thy name and worship Thy dear Son.

Woe is me, Woe is me,

my lips tho' unclean shall sing,

"Lord, purge my sin, refine my heart,

for mine eyes have seen the King"

Lord, I give myself a vessel;in Thy service I will be;

I hear you ask,"Who'll go for us?"Lord, Here am I, send me.

I will proclaim Thy cleansing blood 'till all the world has heard.

And salvation's lamp will burn so bright through the power of Thy Word!

Woe is me, Woe is me,

for I am as one undone;

my voice can only praise Thy name and worship Thy dear Son.

Woe is me, Woe is me,

my lips tho' unclean shall sing,

"Lord, purge my sin, refine my heart,

for mine eyes have seen the King"

We sang this song in Church camp last year. Today, we sang this song during worship and I had this nagging feeling within me that kept telling me that this has to be my prayer.

Woe is me.

Perhaps it's the messages preached in church these months that cut to my heart for they have been so densely focussed on the matter of our heart and spirit. I'm truly thankful, for I know this is exactly what a seemingly already numbed heart should know and re-embrace.

You know, I've been in a season of numbness for the past few months. I have been well, okay with my life - and because of that I felt that I've not been hearing from God. I always have this thinking that it's so much easier to experience and get intimate with God in times of trials but it's so much harder to even feel His presence in times of comfort. The former made one helpless and therefore needs to draw strength from God; but the latter made one becoming more complacent and doesn't see the need to draw strength from God.

I was the latter. And I hated it.

I blamed it on Him, for He took away the trials that once made me come closer to Him.

But I have been so wrong and I regretted so so much.

Didn't know such mistake can hurt the heart so so much.

Didn't know such thinking that 'it's harder to experience God when life is easy' can discount so much grace that I could otherwise have received.

I should have prayed when life has been kinder to me.

But I lost the momentum to seek Him when things become easier.

I lost the communication bit by bit when He's there all along, ready to echo my prayers. All I know was to blame it all on the numbness - so conveniently.

Shall just let bygones be bygones. Suddenly realized that relationship with God doesn't have to be a roller coaster and life doesn't have be to filled with trials and sufferings to know that God's real. Relationship with God is real, even without those packages of additives. Just like 爱情不是轰轰烈烈`的故事；而是平平淡淡的陪伴.

Actually, to be able to walk with Him, and to experience Him even in the seemingly normal and eventless day, can be the most blissful thing on earth.

My Heart, Your Home

2011-01-05T00:18:00.000+08:00

Last week, in church, Shiya was sharing with me some of the nice songs from her iphone. She mentioned about certain songs she likes from Women of Faith.

A couple of minutes ago, I was just randomly searching for some other songs from Women of Faith and suddenly this video clip caught my attention.

I knew this song when I was 13 years old. That time I wasn't a believer. My good friend Esther and Stephanie kept playing christian songs in the school and somehow, my curiosity towards God grew.

Before I left for my studies here, they lent me a couple of cassettes mainly from Hillsong.

One of the songs that managed to pitch a tone in my heart was this song.

I didn't know why it intrigue me back then. I just felt a deep sense of calling.

What kind of calling? Called to do what?

I wasn't sure then.

But as I was listening to this song again, suddenly, a deep sense of comfort and serenity overwhelmed me. I'm just thankful I think. For God has done all He could to search me through and through and made me His.

If anything, or for everything, that I've lost words for prayers, may this song be my prayer then.

Come and make my heart Your home

Come and be everything I am and all I know

Search me through and through

Till my heart becomes a home for You

A home for You, Lord

A home for You, Lord

Let everything I do open up

A door for You to come through

And that my heart would be a place

Where You want to be

Welcoming 2011

2011-01-03T21:02:00.001+08:00

Happy New Year to you, who still come by to read and know more about me :)

I have not been writing for quite awhile. Sorry for the lack of updates - have been quite busy lately.

I've finally moved into my home sweet home :)

I have the best christmas gift in 2010 - we invited our church friends to our house for caroling on christmas eve. I am glad that I am sharing part of my christian living with my friends. I hope that it's one step closer to my 'not afraid of sharing to others what I believe in'.

How have you been?

Do give me some updates about yourselves too k?

Weird enough, I was told that I'm the on-call this week. On-call on first week of new year - how cool is that? A bit of fear - if you've seen me doing on-call, you'll know that the adrenaline will overwhelm me whenever the on-call phone rings. Oh well, I guess it's part of growth. I'm sure God will shadow me well, if I stop and pray first, and not be overwhelmed by the enquiries.

Today, something, or rather a situation sort of affected me.

I don't know why the feeling just lingers in me for a very long time.

I hope it goes away soon.

I was very close to wanting to talk to someone about it when I just made myself quiet down and pray.

I was just being very quiet. And I thank God, because I turned to Him first.

Sometimes, turning to God first, can be the hardest thing to do. I am grateful for this baby step.

I was just telling Him - Oh God, this feeling doesn't come from You. It should go.

Why dwell and let the matter affect my spirit and emotion when I don't even know about tomorrow.

I felt a bit better.

The residual feeling still linger.

I know God will take care of it.

Cheerio to myself who chose Him first.

Hello!

2010-12-04T23:41:00.000+08:00

Hello world :)

Felt like it's been awhile. Been busy with the move.

Just wanna drop by and say hello :)

I have been well.

God's been gracious to me :)

Amen :)

A TULIP for you :)

For a greater meaning underneath..

Facing the Giants

2010-10-16T23:42:00.000+08:00

Do you know what's the giant within you?

Do you know what's the giant that you're facing?

Lately, I was being reminded of a good movie I watched a few years back. It's a Christian movie (Same producer as Fireproof) which I will highly recommend to anyone.

I was reminded of this show because for 4 consecutive weeks, my church sermons have been heavily focussing on the matters of the Spirit and knowing the Giant within us.

Coincidentally, I am also facing a giant and there's a giant of fear come crushing down me lately. I tried dealing with the giant initially, but later I realized that I might not really know who's my giant...

How can one win a battle without knowing who's the enemy or the giant she's fighting against?

So I have to find the giant, and to really face the giant.

Oh yea, maybe I should share with you some quotes from the movie 'Facing the Giants' which touched me, and still do :)

When coach Grant Taylor trying to rebuild his football team, a conversation with his young captain:

Brock Kelley: You don't want us to win games?

Grant Taylor: No. Not if that's our main goal. Winning football games is too small a thing to live for. And I love football as much as anybody. But even championship trophies will collect dust and one day be forgotten. It's just that so far this has all been about us; how we can look good, how we can get the glory. The more I read this book, the more I realize that life's not about us. We're not here to get glory, make money, and die. The Bible says that God put us here for Him. To honour Him. Jesus said that the most important thing you can do with your life is to love God with everything you are, to love others and yourself. So if we win every game and we miss that, we've done nothing. Football then means nothing. So I'm here to present you a new team philosophy. I think that football is just one of the tools we use to honor God.

Brock Kelley: So you think that God does care about football?

Grant Taylor: I think He cares about your faith. He cares about where your heart is. And if you can live your faith out on the football field then yes, God cares about football because He cares about you. He sent His son Jesus to die for us so we could live for Him. That's why we're here. But see, it's not just on the football field; we've got to honor Him in our relationships, our respect for authority, in the classroom, and when you're at home alone surfing the internet. I want God to bless this team so much that people talk about what He did. But it means we got to give Him our best in every area. If we win, we praise Him. And if we loose, we praise Him. Either way, we honour Him with our actions and our attitudes. So I'm asking you: what are you living for? I've resolved to give God everything I've got. Then I'll leave the results up to Him. I want to know if you'll join me?

And one of my favorites:

Grant Taylor: God can do whatever He wants to do, however He wants to do it. And He chooses to work in our lives because He loves us. He's good. Hope today's a milestone for what He can do for the rest of your life if you trust Him.

Today, I felt ministered during prayer meeting when pastor read a scripture from 2 Corinthians, especially when it came to this verse:

"Therefore, we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal". 2 Cor 4:16

Shouldn't fear the giant.

Everything is transient except Him, including the giant.

Rain on Me

2010-10-09T23:09:00.000+08:00

AND

Embrace the Rain.

I would like to share something that I read with you :)

So many times people approach us and tell us how strong we are... how brave we must be to take on all that we have, I never really thought we were brave, and most of the time we are not strong. What options do we have? We could either wallow in the heartache or we can praise Him through the storms.

Christ took on so much more than we could ever imagine. He never promised us that this life would be easy. He never promised that we would never experience pain or heartache.

"I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world." John 16:33

I feel Him gently nudge me and quietly say "I am still here." If I let Him, He will guide my footsteps and guard my heart. So I choose to face my days with hope. I know that in every circumstance in my life, He is already there."

Must be wondering why I have the urge to share this. I dont know.
But it reminds me of the existence of the greater me despite the many situations.
And how many times when it rains, how many of us can embrace the rain with willing hearts?
Can it come from practising?

The FIRST shift

2010-09-16T20:39:00.000+08:00

My pharmacy assistant Siling told me these:

"If you are going back to interchange, take either bus 800 on this side or 804 on the opposite side of the road"

I was jaded after the entire thing and unknowingly, I crossed the road, waited for 804 to leave the bus stop and boarded bus 800 which came after it. It was supposed to be 2 stops away from the interchange but I ended up spending almost half an hour on the feeder bus because I boarded the wrong. Initially I felt so stupid and contemplated whether I should just alight at any stop and take a cab home. But I was just too tired to even move my butt away from the seat. So I decided to take a long ride back to the interchange.

Due to some reasons, a medication error happened today and I had to go to the patient's house to take back the medicine before things could become worse. Don't ask me why this kind of things actually happened. When your workload and patient load increased by 93% from the old days (but the number of staff remained the same and sometimes less), things do happen and you just cannot help it.

Don't worry, I didn't make that error. But I have to admit that I committed a fair share of medication errors too. When I made an error, the team supported me and helped me. So when my teammate made an error, I had to support too. The situation in the pharmacy is really bad - this is the 2nd medication error that necessitated me to go to the patient's house to explain and do service recovery. 1.5 weeks ago, a patient was discharged to a community hospital and I too made a trip to St Luke Hospital for another medication error.

But as I was taking the long bus ride just now, a tinge of blissfulness actually dawn upon me. I have a lot to tell God and I always feel as if I don't have time to talk to Him.

It felt as if so much had happened over a short span of 2 months. Have I told you lately that I have 3 major shifts in my life this year.

The first shift - My hospital had shifted from the old Alexandra Road to Yishun and is now called Khoo Teck Puat Hospital (KTPH).

Since the opening of this new hospital, I have been put in charged of 3 wards - 2 of which are Geriatric Medicine wards (老人科), the 3rd one is called Isolation ward (Infectious Disease ward).

How should I describe it? It felt as if I was running on a flat road (the old AH days) and suddenly the steepness of the road has increased tremendously and it's taking so much of me. The people that we see in Yishun are generally more sick, and the conditions are usually more acute. It felt as if God has brought me out of my comfort zone - and coincidentally, He brought me out of the comfort zone when I started turning lukewarm towards Him.

Before my principal clinical pharmacist left the hospital for PharmD, she told me something that I could never forget. She told me that I have the aptitude in clinical pharmacy and I should never give up on this path no matter how hard situations are going to be. She said there are certain things in this world is something that you can only see ONE in a decade kind, and I am one of them. Honestly, when she said that, I felt the pressure. At the same time, being a 1.5 month-old pharmacist then, I felt relieved because someone of that credentials actually validated me.

I am telling you these now not to boast about the praises she gave me, but I want to tell you that man's words can poison one's senses and numb one's direction in life.

When the hospital just started operating, the patient load was manageable and I was still managing well between these wards. As the patient load started picking up within 2 weeks of opening, the challenges that came to me also increased exponentially.

Not only myself, the whole pharmacy has practically plunged into a mess as we are understaffed and the staff-workload ratio is really an imbalance. And when there is chaos, there is also medication error. And when there is medication error, there is also complaints from both nursing and patients. When there is error and where safety is concerned, there is also a fair component of fear and people start giving up and leaving.

And you realize that you are not protecting the people you need to protect, especially the junior ones. They are living in fear - fear of making mistakes and made responsible for the harm inflicted on patients, albeit not intentional.

At the same time, I feel that coping with the ward load is a struggle. The patient conditions are so acute and sometimes it's beyond my limited knowledge and I feel fearful too. As I was reviewing the patients, I realized that there's a lot of things that I do not know and I feel that I'm so lousy, and I add no value in the care of the patient.The sense of incompetency overwhelmed me so much in the beginning that it made me quite sorrowful.

So many first time-s...

1st time facing so many mortalities within such a short time frame.

1st time feeling that I could have done something more than just accepting the things the way are, and the patient may still survive today.

1st time feeling so demoralized by certain physicians

1st time for me to experience the validation and trust from the physician and also to lose it immediately, due to some situations that is beyond my capability to prevent.

1st time hating seeing DIL (dangerously ill) and DNR (DO not resuscitate) so many times in the wards. Because I am losing them and no matter how aggressive I want to escalate the treatment, it will be a No from the physician.

1st time having my colleague's grandma admitted into my ward and she said "I know she's in safe hands because you are in charge of this ward". I feared.

1st time doing training plan to train the staff so that they can be upgraded to face the storms.

1st time feeling that I've not heard God's voice for the longest time ever and I have been so alone in this storm..

It is also the first time for having to carry the black pot and feeling so embarrassed. I was very angry with God why did I have to face such situation despite my commitment to maintain my attendance at church. What's more the black pot incidence came to me immediately after I returned from discipleship training. Such an irony - I was so spirit-filled yet the news came and I couldn't sleep the whole night. It felt as if the renewed strength that I got from DT vanished into the thin air in such a matter of seconds.

It is also the first time that I felt so powerless and sorry for not being

able to protect my pharmacy technicians and I so wanted to reverse their fear but I couldn't. I saw them losing hope and I felt sorry for the way situations are.

1st time feeling so so so weary of something that I am so fond of.

But on Monday boss talked to me and she said she wanted to rotate me to other discipline like General Surgery.

It is true that you don't know what you have had until you are about to lose it.

Today as I was doing ward rounds with the consultant and medical officer, I felt so blessed. I realized that I learnt a lot from the team of doctors. The consultant was examining the patient and explaining to me why is he doing certain things. We discussed a lot on our patients and the medication parts and I was trying my best to help to optimize the medication part. I checked the labs and recommend the antibiotics etc and answered their queries regarding the medication according to what I know. And we moved from one patient to another patient. Just ward round, something very routine.

I noticed that we learned from each other. Sometimes when I really don't know, I told them that I don't know and will get back to them. I realized that I am no longer embarrassed by the fact that I don't know the stuff. I feel relieved when I said I don't know and will check it out.

I loved following ward rounds because we can exchange perspective. A lot of times, I do interventions based on my knowledge on the drugs and the patient. Sometimes it gets rejected. sometimes accepted. I cannot follow every team's rounds because I am doing 3 wards and all doctors review patients in the morning. I can only follow one team every day.

Everyone wants to make sure the patient gets the best care just that we are coming from different groundsBut as I follow the rounds, I tell them why I would like certain medication be dosed in certain ways, and I explained why I preferred one over another, they started to see where I am coming from and accepted my recommendation. Sometimes, after hearing the team's opinions and plan, I decided to respect the team decision and support it. It's the communication that God has slowly built over time that makes it what it is today.

I feel that I am a really silly girl. I keep seeing what I don't have, and have long forgotten what I have.

I have been really foolish. A foolish pharmacist thinking she can save the whole world and use her paper knowledge to help patients only to find herself doing more harm.

I am a stupid girl for I have been dwelling in the low self-esteem for too long and didn't realize that even the low self-esteem and inadequacy is part of God's plan in making me a better person, a greater vessel, a wiser pharmacist. I should have stopped eroding in my self-insufficiency and start discovering how He's leading me through all this while.

I forgot that I am only a 4 month-old pharmacist and God has already placed me in the best place on earth that no one could be EXCEPT ME,so that I get the best learning experience. He exposed me to the myriad of illnesses and conditions that I have not seen before and today my clinical knowledge has increased from baseline and for the things that once I didn't know, I know better now.

I realized that I can be kinder to myself and not force myself to live up to people's expectations of me. I do not need to get people's validation and it's okay that people reject my recommendations. I do not need to be fearful of rejections and therefore stop making the necessary interventions for my patients because the fact is God has given me the literature and evidence-based drug knowledge to back my interventions and whether the interventions get accepted or not, it's still part of His perfect will. I just need to face Him in all that I do, with clear conscience.

God taught me a huge lesson about myself these 2 months. To many, I appear to be a capable person but only God knows the inferiority complexes hidden beneath this brave front. But I realized that all God wants from me is to admit that I have this problem and I do not need to feel shameful about it. When I hear the voice of the enemy telling me that what He has made me to be is not enough, I just need to draw strength from God to resist it with the truth. For I have been made lukewarm, He now wants to turn up the temperature. A journey of faith He's teaching me. Learning to rely God in greater faith and not be tossed up and down like a ship in a storm. Finding the anchor in all kinds of weather and eventually found it.

All in all, I need to turn my eyes upon Jesus and not man's words, I need to tune into His words for His words is a lamp to my feet and a light for my path.

Today, I saw the doctor's entry - await pharmacist input on vancomycin monitoring.

As I was following the rounds today, I saw the patient gasping and blood pressure dropping very low. It was a DIL, DNR case and the doctor withdrew all treatment - for maximal ward comfort measures. And I realized I wasn't angry or upset. For I know exactly it's an end of life issue and I am losing the patient already - I should let her go. True enough, she passed away 2 hours later. First time realizing sometimes doing nothing is the best for the patient. First time, seeing it so physically, that the end of a man is the beginning of God in her. I can't describe exactly how I felt at that point of time - I felt that God was just telling me that how fragile human can be and as human, we are so powerless against many many things on earth. Like all we once held so dear and built our lives upon can be NOTHING in just a twinkling of an eye. Why holding onto them so tightly and burden ourselves with so much sorrows?

In the same day, the doctor whom I thought have lost trust in me called me for some other stuff. Today, my colleague needed an answer about a drug urgently and I provided it immediately.

Suddenly I felt a sense of restored justice and righteousness from God. It might not be today only, but my radar is more sensitive today I guess. I wonder when was the last time I counted my blessings and goodness in life.

Strangely, my manager wanted to meet up with me this morning, after my ward rounds.

She chatted with me for awhile and once again she said "You know, hooi ching, your seniors are singing praises about you for what you are as a young pharmacist. You have the potential and I hope you see it". Something along this line.

To hear the same thing from a different person. However, this time, the conviction is different too.

It does not matter to me anymore whether anyone thinks highly or lowly of me. It does not matter to me anymore, whether the seniors or the doctors think I have what it takes and they value my inputs. It also does not matter to me anymore if people think I make stupid interventions and get more rejections.

What matters to me most, right now, and for the rest of my life, is that God thinks highly of me and thus for every situation that He puts me in, is one that He has already overcome and I too, will overcome victoriously because He is the pillar of my strength. I should not regard it as something bad for it's an opportunity for me to grow spiritually. All I need to do is to remember this, and bite on it, chew on this promise and carve it in my heart.

I know I'm not done, He's not done with me yet.

I know the process is still on-going.

But I am no longer upset.

Neither am I happy.

I am just thankful. :)

I really hope that in future, even when my soul is heavy, God will put a song in my heart that rises out of me and sends away the dark clouds.

This is what the Lord says:
Let not the wise man boast of his wisdom
or the strong man boast of his strength
or the rich man boast of his riches,
but let him boast about this:
that he understands and knows me,
that I am the Lord, who exercises kindness,
justice and righteousness on earth,
for in these I delight,"
declares the Lord.

- Jeremiah 9:23-24-

Turn your eyes upon Jesus

2010-07-18T23:10:00.000+08:00

Hello there.

I feel so drained lately. Physically, mentally and emotionally.

Feel like taking a really long break and just leave where I am.

Yet it feels like another escapism when I say things like that.

How good it'll be if I can wake up in heaven tomorrow.

Yet it won't be the case because I have a journey that I need to walk through.

Do you feel the same way too?

I kept playing this song again and again.

You know, sometimes fixing your eyes upon Jesus is the antidote to the weariness.

The half-life of this antidote is short so you have to keep doing it again and again. Because as the antidote effect wean off, you feel the weariness again.

I really cannot think of a better solution for now. So I need to keep turning my eyes upon Him, if not I might not be able to make it to the end of this journey.

I really do feel like waking up in heaven :)

Turn your eyes upon Jesus

Look full in His wonderful face

And the things of earth will grow strangely dim

In the light of His glory and grace

Lord I am dry, so please fill my cup :)

What we don't know can, and does, hurt us

2010-07-13T23:20:00.000+08:00

Knowing one's weight is very important in healthcare.

I always know my weight. There are many drugs in this world are dosed by body weight.

Vancomycin, a potent antibiotic that kills a multidrug resistant bug, is dosed by actual body weight. If one day i am infected by this bug, I always know what kinda dosing i will give myself because calculating by 15mg/kg 12hrly dosing, the dose is ard there.

Sometimes, I think it's a healthcare-acquired disease - that subconsciously, when you are dosing your patients certain dangerous but life-saving drugs, you tend to help yourself calculating the doses that you need too - just in case you might need them in future. And no one knows how to dose it better than you do.

Eptifibatide - another drug that is used in acute cardiac events, is also dosed by body weight. Ask me next time and I will tell you the dose. This drug costs a bomb too. So the heavier you are, the more expensive it gets.

If you have followed by blog before, I once briefly touched on TB regimen. When one's diagnosed with TB, they will be started on 4 drugs, all dosed by their body weights. In general, it's > 10 pills a day for just TB treatment and for a minimal duration of 6 months. Next time you should tell me your weight, so that I can calculate for you. Have that figures stored in your head just in case... touch wood!

Anyways, if you have known me well enough, perhaps you have heard me talking much about TB.

My eldest brother, a houseman officer in Hospital KL, is recently hospitalized and the primary diagnosis to date is pleural TB. TB is an infection caused by a bug called Mycobacterium tuberculosis. [If you have watched tv, sometimes you will see people in the past got sicked and coughed out blood - that's a TB representation, sort of]

It started with episodes of cold and cough which didn't resolve despite antibiotics (for cough and cold), and when he went for a Chest X ray, it was realized that there's fluid accumulation in his lung. I asked him the presenting symptoms - no shortness of breath, no fever.

Because of the fluid in lung (which is very uncommon), he was hospitalized. A series of test include blood and sputum culture showed negative so far. To put things in perspective, it's extremely hard to grow TB bugs and may take4-8 weeks before any result could be seen. The skin test (Mantoux), another diagnostic test, however told us otherwise.

Some information about The Mantoux test: a small amount of a substance called PPD tuberculin is injected just below the skin of your inside forearm. You should feel only a slight needle prick. Within 48 to 72 hours, a health care professional will check your arm for swelling at the injection site, indicating a reaction to the injected material. A hard, raised red bump (induration) means you're likely to have TB infection. The size of the bump determines whether the test results are significant, based on your risk factors for TB.

My brother has that raised bump.

Because of the fluid in his lung, today he had some painful procedures. The fluid in his lung needed to be drained away so a chest tube was inserted from the back to the lung to drain the fluid away - 1.5L(can u imagine??) of fluid was drained out. At the same time, he had a lung biopsy.

My dad kept asking us that we should call my brother and check on him more often. Daddy said I should talk to brother more cos I am the only one in the family knows what's going on due to the complexity of medical information which can be at times, and after I got the information I can update them so that they understand the whole picture. I guess me and my brother are spiritually-sicked. We always thought that we need to be accountable for our own affairs, bear our own responsibilities without needing to tell people, not even our own family, about the good and bad going on in us.

My sister gave me a serious talk on saturday which really touched me. She mentioned, we(my brother and I) often being too "independent", always think that we are living by ourselves alone out there, often don't care enough to update and communicate to our own family about our own lives. When shit happens to us, we deal with them most of the time ourselves; when we could have shared, leaned on our own family members who really want to care for us, whether we ask for it or not.

I know. I hate being like this, yet I am still like this.

Anyways, I only told them that the hospitals do all these test on my brother so that they can try to grow the TB bugs and if the TB bugs really can't grow much later, that's means he's not actively infected with TB. If it grows then it's TB.

But I didn't tell them that the lung biopsy and lung fluid test were done also to rule out the possibility of cancer. Because one of the reason of fluid accumulation in lung can be malignancy and lung biopsy can tell us if it is. I kept saying it's darn hard to get a TB because we are all immunized since young, unlike the older generation. But if it's not TB it has to be something else. The skin (Mantoux) test can be false positive under some situations, and given the negative results for the rest, honestly, I am worried.

Yet how am I supposed to convey these information to the already so darn worried parents. A simple word like 'maybe' can send them down with a few sleepless night. I wonder if I am too rationale, too healthcare professional-liked, to digest all the information myself.

People asked me if I am afraid of TB.

I said no. Because it can be treated, and it should be treated with properly dosed TB drugs (no under-dosing please!). The course is tedious and painful, with side effects etc, but it can be treated. I will not be worried if it's TB.

What if it's not? I wonder if this is going through in his brain right now.

On a positive note, I don't think it can be cancerous stuff. For he's too young for that, and I know that there's so much in him that God wants to use and will definitely use. I guess he must have created a legacy in his hospital - a houseman down with ?TB - off duty for ? months. It's an atypical path that God is already subjecting him to, and I know that He is in charge of his life. But if it happens, I really hope to be able to see the good out of the difficult things that my brother and my family will have to go through.

Wonder if you ever encountered things that you've never thought will ever occur to you? I did have a fair share of them, including this. I must say, what we don't know can, and does, hurt us. It hurts people who doesn't know Christ even more significantly. I feel that so strongly from my parents.

Dad has been coughing and unwell for near a month.

All I can say is, I can only release the burden of all the difficult things that are on my heart into His hands, cos He is the only One who can lift it off and carry it for me. I hope things go well, really. And if things have to happened, I pray that the timetable of this family is therefore hastened.

He made the burden light :)

2010-07-07T21:41:00.000+08:00

Hello! :) How are you?

This week I am working late shift, ie from 930-7pm. Coincidentally, Linqun is also working the same shift, just that she's in outpatient I'm in inpatient.

As I was walking to mrt from hospital yesterday, this tree caught my attention and I thought - wow, it was quite scary hahaha :)

How have you been? This week has been fine for me, and I really thank God for keeping me safe and at peace. Somehow, He made my burden light. If it's the HC 3 months ago, I am sure I will be darn frustrated with things.

Yesterday, I walked into my ward feeling very "Strange". From the entrance, I could heard someone playing songs very loudly from the laptop. The song that the patient played was also

another thing that surprised me. Not sure if you know it, but he's playing "万君之耶和华" from Stream of Praise. To put it more explicitly, he was basically playing the whole album throughout the day.

To me, I think it's quite exciting cos it's really refreshing that someone is blasting the songs I like early in the morning. But as I saw how the other patients in the same cubicle is reacting silently, I felt a little "oops" kinda thing.

Sorry for the randomness. All in all, I am good :)

Perhaps a little updates from me. I have officially started my work in Khoo Teck Puat Hospital. The wards are very new and beautiful but we are still coping with the "newness" as everything has to start from 0 again.

The population in the north is quite different from what we have in AH last time. The people here are younger and with more acute conditions. I was quite overwhelmed these 2 weeks because I find it quite challenging to manage my patient's medical conditions and their therapies. At the same time, I am excited - because I know God is training me clinically. I am really thankful because things have not been that bad, and I have good people whom I can seek inputs from when I need people to throw me insights as to how to manage my patients.

All in all, I'm very grateful of God's timely providence and grace. Amen :)

Because my shift starts later, I have more time in the morning. I have ample time to quiet down myself before starting my day and I really like it :) And I can stay up late the night before to do and dig whatever I like, how good is that!

I have been eating dinner with lin qun lately. It's weird that I often tell myself that I should not eat dinner because I exercise less lately and my metabolism is slowing down, so I should reduce on my intake. But at the end of the day, when me and Linqun left work, we are incredibly hungry and we often resolved to a big feast for dinner. It has been like that for the entire week and I just had KFC with her how bad is that? Today has been mentally challenging for me actually - cos I encountered things that I haven't come into before and more drug questions are coming from doctors too. I think I'm a lucky girl because I have a chance to deal with these issues and I am starting to like psycho-geriatric wards :D Yea so at the end of the day, I was really really tired and hungry and I need to binge. :D

There's this eating place in yishun which I wanted to tell John and Huijun badly last saturday but I forgot. It is founded by this ex-drug addict and he continues taking in such kind of people to work here. The food is really nice and affordable and the people there are okay too. Yea, it's me and linqun feasting again :D

ACCP conference is starting this friday. It is a 3-day conference so I was quite sian about it hahaha. I am presenting on Sunday 5pm. The slides are done, I hope it's well done though. Wish me luck :)

Some pics here:

Obesity doesn't come from one time Binging

2010-07-01T21:47:00.000+08:00

Hello, how are you?

I have not been writing. There's a lot of apprehension when I am about to blog. I questioned myself many times, who are you? Who are you and why are you here reading what I'm writing? Did you come here because you've nothing better to do and would like to get gossip topics about hooi ching? Or do you come because you know me. You really know me, and would like to know what's going on in me and how has my life been?

Honestly, I did think about ending this blog because it reveals a lot of weaknesses in me that I cannot extricate myself from, yet. I was then reminded how painful it was to shut down a blog because it meant closing down the stories - be it your own or those you shared with other people. I felt a sharp pain in the heart and was awakened. You must be wondering, why am I so free reflecting on this not-so-important issue like whether I should end a blog or not? I guess it's because I feel so rotten inside out already, and my perceptions towards things and people have been quite skewed of late.

Today I did start reading the book of Psalm. If you're also doing your quiet time with God, I encourage you to start at this book too. It's a gem :) Are you now starting to wonder why someone as rotten as me will think book of Psalm is a gem? Instinctively, I have an answer to it -- It's because this book exists for people like me - rotten, helpless, praying for hope and strength, and the perspective towards many things.

I am a nobody. I cannot flaunt about myself being a faithful Christian despite attending church and listening to sermons regularly. Because many times I feel that i'm like a sink with an open drain - nothing gets retained.

I have a confession.

I haven't met God in the longest time ever. I can now tell you that this is the worst method to live your life. It gives a downward spiraling effect that only engulfs you more and more to the point of utter hatred towards life. Why?

Because life is simple. There are only 2 ways to live your life:

ONE: "Blessed is the man who does not walk in the counsel of wicked or stand in the way of sinners or sit in the seat of mockers. But his delight is in the law of the Lord, and on his law he meditates day and night." The way of righteous.

TWO: "... They are like chaff and the wind blows away. Therefore the wicked will not stand in the judgment

, nor sinners in the assembly of the righteous.".The way of wicked.

My compass must have been under-construction, if not why do I feel that I'm the foolish one walking towards the 2nd path? Fortunately, I know I am fine despite I don't feel fine right now. Whatever happened, I just want to walk with God and meet Him now.

Today, I have another confession. (Yeah again!)

I want to re-discover myself before the Lord once again. I want to stop judging myself outside of Christ and start seeing myself in the realm of Christ. I need to stop hating myself for not doing what's supposedly right. Today, I need to present the accumulated bitterness to God and ask for forgiveness.

All in all, I need to really wake up. :( I have to stop feeling lousy and ashamed of myself because I don't need to. I don't need to because I am God's precious child, all I need to do is answer to Him and not others. I don't need to feel lousy because

any incompleteness in me is to be and can only be made complete in Him, only if I welcome Him into my life again. I should stop getting angry with myself for keep doing the wrong things because He knows my inert inability to do so and I will one day overcome them when I start praying and not rely on my limited wisdom.

Today I am also one step closer to letting go.

I should have done so long time ago, for it is taking too much of me, and making me too unhappy. Slowly but surely I promise You. I should let myself go and stop living

life using the myriad solutions that the world can offer, only to realize that I ended up on the 2nd path. I ought to start practising on how to let go of them and get reformatted all over again. I

know one day, You will make me strong like a tree planted by the river... and the leaves don't wither.

Sometimes people just need to start getting serious. Throughout the church camp that just passed, I realized one thing - that is the people on the stage --> they are dead serious about God and His words. They are dead SERIOUS you know? I got electrocuted for a moment actually - must be I have not been serious! And that life had been okay then and there and the accumulated grace from the past seemed to be STILL sustaining me through.

But then, the only change I need to make in order to get back to the right track again is to be serious first!

I know after saying all these, I will still make mistakes, still get into things that make me and people miserable in one way or another. But I shall let You give me a bolus of hope now. Show me that obesity really doesn't come from one time Binging!

ps: sorry for the incoherent thoughts. I can't explain myself actually :(

A Change

2010-06-17T21:45:00.000+08:00

Blogger told me that there are new template designs so I decided to take a look. Was quite amazed by their selections and honestly, I love them :) I have been resistant to changes all these while. I meant to my blog. I love the white and simple background. I wanted to name this blog simplicity in the beginning. In fact, it was named this way when it got started.

Simplicity. Something that I yearn to attain and still striving to attain, and maintain. However, along the way, things happened, I grew up, and I felt like naming this blog 'Living By Grace'. Because these 3 words remind me how I have been living my life all these while.

But today, I am gonna change my blog background. I hope I will grow to like it. Hee. Was feeling quite weird when I look at the colorful blog that still says 'Living By Grace' hahaha! But oh well, sometimes people just have to change to enjoy new stuff :)

I just got back from Church camp. It had been a tiring journey, the bus driver drove really slowly. However, having the brothers and sisters throughout the journey was indeed great. I love their presence, really.

How have you been? Hope life has been great for you. :)

Today, there's actually a lot of things running through my head. Perhaps just reflections of what happened over the past few days in Malacca. I enjoyed my stay in Malacca, and I really have to thank Miki for bulk of it because she is such an adorable sister and roomie. And I got a lot of songs from her :P I don't think I will blog much about the church camp, because most of them are something very intimate that can only be revealed in the heart when you are alone with God. I anticipate them :)

Was just looking at a bible verse and thought of sharing it here:

This is the covenant that I will make.. says the Lord: I will put My laws in their mind and write them on their hearts; and I will be their God, and they shall be My people.

- Hebrews 8:10

It happened to be my verse of the day :)

I have a lot of outstanding tasks to do. Yeah, my mind is running fast already.

1. Powerpoint slides for ACCP presentation

2. I need to hunt some people down about my inpatient set up in KTPH

3. I need to read certain stuff about anticoagulation, antibiotics, and many many more

4. I need to do laundry and clean my room

But actually, above all, I need to pray. I need to pray that I can not only see Him in all things that I do, but also to enjoy His perfect blessings in all that I do.

Hope you have a good Friday :)

You and Me

2010-05-31T21:55:00.000+08:00

Dear you,

I have a lot of things that I needed to tell you badly. But each time, as I was about to start pouring out, there was a strong force that held me back from telling you everything. In the end, I kept everything inside me again.

Have we drifted apart? If we haven't, why is it so hard for me to feel convinced that you are still here with me. I feel so alone. Yet I feel that I am still alright living alone thus far.

Last friday, my good friend asked me over msn how has my life been. I said fine. Normal. You know, sometimes it just seems to the whole world that my concern is on my job and my job seems to be stressful. And people like to ask me how's my job etc etc... But really, there is no problem with the job, it can be intensive but I love my job. I look tired because it's not easy to wake up at 6 plus every day and always standing and running around throughout the day. But it just seems to people that my world evolves around pharmacy now and it's easier do conversations about job now that you are a working adult.

But seriously?! Job is perfectly ok.

It's you that I am concerned of. I feel that I might have lost you. Could it be possible? We have been through so much together. When I was down, desperate, totally crushed, you stood by me and held me in your arms. You told me that endurance for the acute pain would save me from the impending everlasting agony. I listened to you, because you were all that I had, you were all that I could rely on at that point of time. We were so much closer then. Everytime when I cried, I knew you were there for me wiping away all my tears. Despite the bitterness overwhelming me, I really really knew you were there. Your love was so real then that I could never had missed.

But why is it that I am missing your love so much lately.

No trials, no bitterness or what so ever, ideally, we should be nurturing our relationship. But why is it that I find it harder to hear your voice, feel your touch of love? Must we be bound together by hardships?

Will we make it through the days after the trough? I am scared, getting very frightened that soon I will never be able to get back to where we were. You are always the strongest, the smartest, tell me you will mend it back can you?

Dear you, my heart feels very very heavy. There isn't problems too grave that engulf me, have I taken for granted that you will settle them all nicely and there's no need to worry about anything anymore? I think so. I think I have taken you for granted that you will not let anything, or anyone to harm me. But through this, I am getting more and more complacent.

Remember you told me many months back in November, when I was still a pre-reg, that "giving is always better than receiving" through my encounter with the TB uncle. I still remember him vividly, and I think I love him much. He really had all of my heart. But ever since I dispensed to him at bedside that day, he readmitted twice, and passed away. Do you know why I am telling you this? I really want to remind you the emotions and things we had shared in the past. I wanted to tell you that I so wanna go back to who we were then, because I want to start giving more because I have you, and thus everything.

I know I shouldn't use our Sundays together to gauge how close we are. But I have not been talking to you. Sometimes, I don't even want to talk to you because I cannot seem to feel your presence. Everyday passes by like it's just another normal day, like a solo-me playing the solo piece. They said you are still with me, I know. But I so wish that you make your presence felt. It seems to me that the chance of getting closer to you is higher on Sunday and I know it's wrong. But I cannot help it. :( I have missed 2 sundays - 1 cos I went back to KL, 1 cos I was on duty. I am missing another one cos dad is in town. Sucks do you know? Not that I am the happy person in church, it just feels very suppressing to not be able to do my routine on Sunday.

That day, when people messaged me to check out the good news in my inbox, I had already known it. I know my pre-reg project abstract got accepted by ACCP(

Asian Conference on Clinical Pharmacy 2010)

and I had to do an oral presentation for it on the first Sunday of July. Do you know it sucks totally when people say I should feel honoured and happy because it's a great chance and ACCP is a big event? It really pissed me off then because yet another sunday that I have to miss and really, I didn't want to get accepted and present on the stage. I dislike the idea of competition involved in this. I know I sounded very against the idea of me presenting on ACCP in front of my boss, and people don't get it. I also don't get it. I just don't want, and don't want another sunday missed. Who cares if the hospital is gonna sponsor the registration fees. I know I sound like the president of people with distorted thinkings but seriously?! No.

I know your grace still amazes me. I really know. Dear, it was your grace that pulled me out of my trough. Because of your grace, I can be the most independent girl in most people's eyes now. I know your love and grace have never left me, but i can no longer be dependent on them to live day by day do you understand? They have to become something bigger. They have to transform into a kind of strength that make me able to do more, for you, and for others. Let me live with purpose again will you?

I am sorry. I know I shouldn't get mad at you. But can we start all over again? Must we wait till the camp for this seemingly lukewarm relationship to be rectified? What if it doesn't?

Can you fall afresh on me all over again?

From,

Mistakes

2010-05-20T19:34:00.000+08:00

"Everybody makes mistakes. When they do, they will need to have a chance to say sorry, without the fear of retribution."

- Dr Burke, Grey's anatomy

Hello! If you have known me well enough, you should know that I am very into Grey's lately. It's trashy but you get absorbed into it quite easily. I like it, probably because it's all about surgeries and I am dealing with a lot of surgery cases now. Yep I am doing surgical wards. All the cuttings, amputations and weird cuttings are here. Can't say that it's my favorite, it's a lot to learn but they are really interesting! :)

The above quote is from Grey's too. When he said that, it really sinks deep into my heart. Very well said, so applicable in the fictional and non-fictional world.

I want to bear that in mind :) For myself, and others!

p/s: do you have Grey's all seasons? care to lend me? :D

Fireproof Again

2010-05-12T15:07:00.000+08:00

I just finished watching Fireproof on HBO. This is my 4th time watching this movie. Surprisingly, I am not at least disinterested or bored despite watching it so many times. Each time the movie touches me differently, or changes a subtle thing in me towards another direction.

I think I can remember almost all conversations in the movie already. It feels weird sometimes to re-watch a movie when you know what are they gonna say the next minute. I must say the actors and actresses in the Fireproof movie are amateurs. Not professionals definitely, but I really appreciate the teachings and messages conveyed through this movie.

I first watched this movie when I was waiting at the Perth Airport. That time, only God knew how troubled and emotionally shaken I were. I used to be always wanting for certain outcomes. People always say what they want to see is the end-product, the outcomes! Often, we want good results. That's the outcome that we yearn for. We want good marriages - that's another outcome that we hope to attain. We want good life - another outcome.

But over the past few years, God has taught me a lot about it's NOT all about outcomes.

If I look into the core of my being, the bottom of my heart, I must humbly admit that I do wish for good outcome too, for certain things at least. Sometimes, I feel as if God is playing a big game with me. Things that I do not wish to have good outcomes turn out the other way round. Yet the things that I wish so badly to have the GOOD outcomes I dreamed about didn't turn out to be so.

But now I realize why the good outcomes didn't come. I had under-looked my process. Each process there's a You in it, each outcome has Your grace in it too. Now that I think about it - No regrets. At least I recall the processes of the not-so-good outcomes and the oh-too-good outcomes. And I also remember that nothing fosters courage like a clear grasp of grace.

Bleah, where were I? Randomness again. Anyways, back to fireproof - it's really a nice movie :)

I first blogged about it in May 2009 when I was in Perth. There's this song (While I'm waiting) in the movie that really touched me a lot.

It's now May 2010..

I think I have at least fireproof-ed myself :)

Running Inspiration :)

2010-05-02T18:54:00.000+08:00

Hello world, how are you?

Lately, I feel that I am aging. I get tired easily, feel sleepy easily and get lazy easily too. And I realized that I haven't been exercising regularly.

I did a lot of sports when I was in university but I didn't feel sleepy easily during the lectures. And I could stay up late to finish many many tasks - be it school or non-school related. I then noticed that it's these running/ touch rugby then had unknowingly transformed into a kind of constant infusion of adrenaline, sustaining me through my study years.

But ever since I started working, I exercise less.

I always counsel my patients who have diabetes, high blood pressure, and high cholesterol to exercise because it is one of the ways to reduce their risk factors of developing more complications. How much should they exercise? Studies said exercise 3 times a week, each time more than 1/2 an hour. It's easier said than done - TRUE!

They often say it is difficult because of works and other stuff etc etc.

Hence ever since then, I told myself that I should exercise 3x a week . If I can do so despite my busy schedule, then I will have sufficient reasons to convince my patients that if I can do so, why not you?

Time and again, I failed.

But today's gonna be different!

I want to practise what I preach from today. So I will make an effort to exercise 3x a week. I know I will feel less tired if I commit to regular exercise routine because my infusion of adrenaline will come back to me again.

Today I went running at the sports complex. As usual, a mp3 playing the nice christian songs that never fail to keep me going while running. I like the feeling of running and listening to heavenly songs. And it has always been the best time to talk to God while running because I need someone to talk or else I will be bored. However I don't have energy to verbalize my conversation because it will then waste away my energy and make running very strenuous. Talking to God at heart is the best. :)

Many decisions made after every run.

Many blockages became unblocked after each heart-to-heart talk.

That's why I will never think exercising is a waste of time.

It's good for health and good for heart - physically and spiritually :)

I hope you can start exercising and enjoy the simple sweet moments with God through it too :)

Wounded

2010-04-24T00:48:00.000+08:00

I really cannot take it anymore. This week has been over-eventful.

Why things have to turn out this way? Why things with good intention will be interpreted as risk and harm?

I really don’t care about what people will think of me. I really did it with good intention.

But it feels so darn awful when things get shot back in the most unexpected manner, and it’s no longer about whether you care what others think of you. Because YOU is now an understatement. It’s the identity you carry along with your name that’s involved now.

I feel really upset God L

I know I shouldn't but I really feel more awful when such things happen, You didn’t leave me alone, neither is Your grace. You once again has proven to me that I am in the right place where You can make me stronger. My heart is wounded, self-esteem crushed, confidence plunged to the bottomless pit - yet the team backed me up as if there's tonnes of spirit backing them up too. The bitter and sweet taste. And warmth.

Thank you for the thoughtful voice.

Thank you for the angry voice scolding me that you'll slap me if I really shed a tear for that matter or person.

Yet when strings of things come to me one after another, is it really not me?

And if it’s me, what could I have done better?

God have you planned all these before hand? If you haven’t then why I have to leave this country at this point of time?

God, if you could, can You ensure that I won’t get into situations that can terrorize people again?I am sufficiently frightened.

The Only Good Inside Your Heart is the Good that Jesus Brings

2010-04-15T22:11:00.000+08:00

Good evening folks! Lately, I had the habit of listening to some old christian songs I used to have. Suddenly I came across this song and thought of sharing it here. It's really uplifting.

I think I haven't shared this with you before. I am thinking of signing up medical missionary trip sometime soon. Got this link from sharon, call it escapism perhaps, but I really hope to step out of Singapore to see how God can use me in this field. You might not know, sometimes, it's really hard to reach out when you're a healthcare professionals. A big part of your profession requires you to use drugs judiciously, and find the best treatment for your patients - if the patient wants to be treated. Of course, there will be patients who want to be treated conservatively - ie, DNR (do not resuscitate) when emergency happens.

But when you are a healthcare professional needing to treat your patients with the best therapies you can think of, have you ever thought that you're playing God? At some point of my career (3 weeks only!), I kept asking me if I really am playing God. At some other times when I am really trying very hard, making very vigorous interventions to the doctors to escalate certain therapies, I cannot see God in what I am doing but I can see myself doing what I am doing.But at times, when I really don't know what else can I give to the patient, my heart tells me to commit into our Saviour's hand.

So, being good is just a fable. Even in healthcare.

I have decided,

I'm gonna live like a believer,

Turn my back on the deceiver,

I'm gonna live what I believe.

I have decided,

Being good is just a fable,

I just can't 'cause I'm not able.

I'm gonna leave it to the Lord.

There's a wealth of things that I profess,

I said that I believed,

But deep inside I never changed;

I guess I'd been deceived.

'Cause a voice inside kept telling me,

That I'd change by and by,

But the Spirit made it clear to me,

That kind of life's a lie.

I have decided,

I'm gonna live like a believer,

Turn my back on the deciver,

I'm gonna live what I believe.

I have decided,

Being good is just a fable,

I just can't 'cause I'm not able.

I'm gonna leave it to the Lord.

So forget the game of being good,

And your self-righteous pain.

'Cause the only good inside your heart

Is the good that Jesus brings.

And when the world begins to see you change,

Don't expect them to applaud.

Just keep your eyes on Him and tell yourself,

I've become the work of God.

I have decided,

I'm gonna live like a believer,

Turn my back on the deceiver,

I'm gonna live what I believe.

I have decided,

Being good is just a fable,

I just can't 'cause I'm not able.

I'm gonna leave it to the Lord.

I have decided,

I'm gonna live like a believer,

Turn my back on the deceiver,

I'm gonna live what I believe.

I have decided,

Being good is just a fable,

I just can't 'cause I'm not able.

I'm gonna leave it to the Lord.

I have decided,

I'm gonna live like a believer,

Turn my back on the deceiver,

I'm gonna live what I believe.

When the world laughs at you 2

2010-04-12T23:46:00.000+08:00

Hello world, how have you been?

Truthfully, things have not been that good for me in the past 2 weeks. Just wondering, do you find it harder to find God’s grace in the midst of trials or when your life is “smooth-sailing” and monotonously stable?

Anyways, this is already my 3^rd week as an inpatient pharmacist. Today while I was taking train home, I was quite astonished to see my reflection on the MRT train windows. Such a haggard me. Suddenly, I feel as if I’ve blend into the working world. I used to think that I’m different from the other working adults who have been working for years, BUT I realized that I was wrong, I look exactly like any of them, and I dislike it.

Since last week, my ward load has increased from 1 to 2. I have been handling 2 wards and just yesterday, I hit the highest number of beds. Just to put things in perspective, there is no correlation between the number of beds I am handling with the competency or what so ever. It is just natural for inpatient pharmacist to handle an average of 2 wards.

But I think I have not been handling my life well. Last Friday, a sister in my fellowship group shared something that happened in her life lately and a statement she made then really brought me back to reality. She said “when the spirit is right, everything will become just so right”. I guess I am just experiencing the absolute opposite of this statement, that is when the spirit is not right, everything will become so wrong.

Things have been so wrong lately. I don’t know why. Guess which pharmacist had to report 2 e-HOR in 3 weeks? ME! Yeaps, 2 medication-related errors happened in my ward these 2 weeks and even though I wasn’t the one doing it, I am the one who has to face the score when such things happen because I am the ward pharmacist. Actually I didn’t feel things were so wrong even when the e-HOR took place, because I know that errors happened and one happened during a public holidays when the discharges at the main pharmacy was like horribly enormous; and another one happened just to remind us to be more alert to the multiple strengths medication in the pharmacy. Didn’t blame anyone, just that, I am so wow-ed by the frequency of such things.

And I also don’t know why, I seem to have an intrinsic mechanism that attracts all the weird cases to my wards. One Bangladesh patient came in because of fits and it was found that there’s worms in his brain. Rare case for AH but I got it man. Bought in the medicine for him because AH doesn’t keep so many of such medication and in the end, before he’s even completely healed, the employer wanted him to be discharged because of the bills. It took me a couple of phone calls just to persuade the employer to agree to pay for the treatment for this patient and to come down to collect the medicine. Not cheap I have to acknowledge, but it’s necessary. At least he’s willing to buy 2 weeks supply of the medicine, instead of 1 month as prescribed by the doctors.

One day, suddenly I received a call from the ward saying my consultant wanted to PERSONALLY administer IV tensilon to this patient. Tensilon is a medicine used to diagnose myasthenia gravis. It’s an exemption drug, ie not registered in Singapore, hence no hospitals will stock up this item in their pharmacies.. We only kept 1 vial but it was used up the day before, for the same patient -_- SO SO wasted. Wilson helped me to call TTSH, SGH, NUH – ALL of them had 0 stock. I was darn panic that morning, I shouldn’t be. L

Another case - patient needed midodrine for orthostatic hypotension. Again, this is not a usual drug and hence we don’t keep in AH. Oh, first time in my life to come across EBA –Epidermolysis bullosa acquisita also.

Imagine doing all these and reviewing the patients in your wards at the same time. It is so so difficult L It shouldn’t be, if I have time. But it seems like everyday I get to encounter this kinda weird weird stuff and at the end of each day, I really get a real big mental block.

Many times, it felt as if the weight of the whole world is on me. I have been asking myself, why am I so jaded these days? Why do I always look so tired and I seem to have lost the joy that I used to enjoy?

And it’s until Friday that I realized why I am the way I am.

You know, the spirit is not right from the beginning. I have been handling things myself and my mind has always been running too quickly, or trying to think about solutions or how to carry my points to this doctor or that doctor. Things have not been mad. But the severity of the un-mad things has been magnified when the spirit is wrong.

I have been so occupied with things that I forget that He is with me and I can draw strength and wisdom from Him. And why do I have to make myself so tired and worried when He is the one in control and things have not been bad for me, not in the past, not now, and it won’t be in future. The only thing that’s changed is the intensity and frequency of matters that I have to deal with – seems to have increased. But I realized that actually, I don’t need God to give me wisdom to handle them.

Above all these, I really need to seek God and have the right Spirit first before I even start thinking about the problems/ situations. Why is it so hard fix my eyes on the unchanging ONE when I am surrounded with so many things that are changing?

Sigh.

When the world laughs at you 1

2010-04-07T00:17:00.001+08:00

Laugh back at the world.

Yea, what happens when the world seems to be laughing at you? Laughing at your ignorance, your insufficiencies, your inertia to know about what you should know... what will you do?

CM once told me that when that happens, just laugh back at the world.

Just some updates...

My siblings and I have just bought a house last Saturday. It's at Punggol, Edgedale Plains. Not "bought", cos we haven't paid the full sum, but we offered the buyer and got accepted. So now we are in the midst of doing the procedures at HDB and bank sides. Will be moving in November.

I was a little overwhelmed actually. We have been viewing houses these 2 weeks and often, the houses are either too inconvenient, too old (and thus needs excessive renovations), too expensive etc etc etc..

But when my sister and brother saw this house, they really wanted it so much, despite it's beside LRT, no MRT. They actually called me while I was at work, to ask me if we can invest in that house. I was quite shocked that they made up my mind so quickly. It took my brother 1 week to buy an iphone, but few hours to want to get that house. And because of that, I know this is the house that the God has provided for us - for it's extremely hard to please my brother and if he really says yes, it really is good I believe.

This house wasn't my first choice. For many reasons, (1) It's far from work and 2-3 times a week I need to be work at 730 or 8am, it means I have to wake up very early to travel. To both Yishun/ Queenstown. (2) It is a bit higher than our projected budget (3) I still think we can wait for better offer.

But my brother actually took the effort to convince me. You know, this is the first time I saw him seriously hoping I will nod my head. Suddenly nothing became more important than this. Hahaha. So I agreed, we made the offer, and the house is ours, if we give our downpayment neat in September.

It's really a nice house. 3 years old, minimal renovations. I see the point, every reasons to buy it, although it's not my most favorite. I know I will grow to like it, it's just a matter of time. I felt quite bad when I told people that my siblings like the house (discounting the "me" in the statement). I know I shouldn't . Sigh, silly me again. It may had given ppl the impression that I am forced to buy the house. Really felt like slapping my mouth when the words came out!

I will grow to like the house. This is the house that is given to us after many prayers and searching. And I should stand on the same side as my siblings.

In fact, there were many struggles over these few days, especially after the decision has been made, contract signed. The down payment of course. Never in my entire life so far my bank account has 5 digits. But I need to get ready a 5 digits sum by September. Not only me, my sister and brother too.

I know I should have expected it when I said I wanted to get a house. The financial issues, the expenditure etc etc... they are all important considerations. But I simply chucked them behind me thinking they will be settled in the most natural ways if God really wants to give me a house.

Then the questions came to me..

"How are you gonna settle the 5 digits sum? Credit-line? loans?

How come you don't know what's your CPF contribution?

How come you don't know these don't know that?

How can you be so ignorant when you're now working already?

You don't even know how bank loans work, the interest rate etc etc.."

I was quite upset when such things were shot at me. I know I should check all these before I happily declared that I wanted to buy a house with them, but many times, when I checked the bank websites, I simply cannot understand the ? per annum thing etc etc.. I know I shouldn't make excuses but I really don't know how CPF contributions work and I know being a 2 weeks old PR is a good enough reason for me to must know all these.

I also know that I had the smallest role to play in the entire buying house game that we're dealing with but I just don't know how. I don't want to say "God will provide" words like these because it has become a "cheap grace" in your eyes.

SIGH.

Déjà vu ?

2010-03-31T22:06:00.000+08:00

It has been 2 weeks since LQ and YT worked in KTPH.

I think God really dotes on me. In the beginning of pre-reg, 5 of us knew so little about each other despite being classmates for 4 years. We came from different backgrounds, different groups of friends, and we each have very different characters.

LQ has a megawatt smile and a big heart. She is always so willing to give.

YT has a gentle heart and motherly instinct. She won't raise her voice at all no matter what.

CM, brother oh, or ah mien (all nicknames superawesomely created by me! :D ), is really our good brother and has always been a gentleman. He is also a very patient man who has a gentle heart, that's why he has a good gf too :)

HL, the prettiest gal in our class, who appeared to be aloof, somehow became my closest buddy in AH now (she is a very warm gal). She has a very graceful appearance and nice body (whoosh) - all doctors keep looking at her hee :) A very nice girl who also has a very timid heart - she gets hurt easily by ppl's expectation.

And ME - the most curt, honest, "so-called efficient", un-ladylike of all.

Yet despite the differences, I am really glad that God shapes our friendship. We have known each other better over time, and when the spirit is low, we still stick together and cheer each other on. There is a strong connection linking all of us that is further intensified in these 2 weeks, when LQ and YT are in KTPH, while me and HL are in AH, and CM is on leave.

We actually miss each other loads.

Perhaps it's the thick and thin for the past 9 months that made us so connected.

Looking back, each of us actually took turn and cried in the toilet before. I remembered myself crying in the cubicle when the rest stood patiently outside, waiting for me to calm down.

And I remembered the 3 girls always stayed back for me and accompanied me to eat dinner because I do not have home-cooked food.

I also remembered all of us just somehow stayed back together doing our own things until 10-11pm, partially because we all had things that needed to be completed, partially also due to the fact that we were reluctant to leave each other behind. It has become a common instinct to "never leave your partner(S) behind". Sounds like movie fireproof eh :D

I guess we shared too many stories together over the past 9 months. We even baked muffins together, complained together, felt sorrowful and lousy together etc etc...

Sometimes when HL gets really really upset with herself and things, God speaks to her through me. Sometimes God does the same to me too.

God, I feel really blessed. Many times, it appears as if all things are specially arranged JUST FOR ME. Like every thing is to my advantage and accepting things that come to me, even when it is not as expected, is never a bad thing to do. Because in the end, I am still the one reaping the benefits.

It has been a long day. :)

Hope 2 of you have been well :)

HL, remember what I said after that presentation? God will raise you up, and things are getting better, believe in it first and the rest will fall into place in its natural and timely manner. :)

CM,Me,LQ,YT,HL

Me and HL

All of us at pre-reg closing ceremony:)

God's grace is always sufficient for me :)

Season of Longing

2010-03-29T20:40:00.000+08:00

Everyday when I step into the wards, my heart turns very heavy. I can't help but sigh. Sometimes, I really wish I can be on a long-term MC so that I don't need to face the score.

By right, I should be on cloud nine now that my pre-reg is over. I do not need to work my lungs and hearts out for project and tests anymore, and I do not need to stay back almost everyday until 9pm to clear many many outstanding stuffs.

But things also can go by left. :( And it is quite a moron to think the left- way because the thought itself is moron-ic.

I am darn afraid. Because now my name tag writes "Pharmacist", no longer the "Pre-reg Pharmacist" that once gave you the exclusive rights to "Don't know this and don't know that". Now, I can sign on prescriptions and I do not need a registered pharmacist to counter-sign anymore. Previously, I am the 2nd last barrier before a medicine reach the patient but now I am the last and final barrier. If things go past my hands, and go wrong, it's a medication error.

To sum it all, it's responsibility. I feel a heightened sense of responsibility now. :( :(

This is when you feel like going back to pre-reg all over again.

I actually brought a heavy heart when I came back to AH last Tuesday. That day was my very first day working as a pharmacist. An inpatient pharmacist. Honestly, inpatient is the only place I have always wanted to be, but when I am really getting it ...

For the whole of last week, I kept asking myself - Do I fit to be an inpatient pharmacist? Actually, my mind went blank when I see the number of beds I have to deal with. For each patient's medication record that I put before me, I have a burning desire to want to do something for that particular patient, but my mind just stopped thinking. Rather, I can't think of anything. Suddenly, I feel so ashamed of myself. Perhaps they should choose other people to be the inpatient pharmacist, I have so little to offer. Even when you said I have 0.00001% higher clinical knowledge than my peers, I think I now have -999999% lower.

First time checking discharges on my own. I was in great fear when I was putting down my signature there as a checker. I got a feeling that someday in future, it will come back and haunt me with some kind of errors and disasters translated to the patients.

Gosh, this is so diminishing.

God, am I up to it?

I have nothing to offer my patients, and doctors. :(

RAWRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR..

So this was me for the whole of last week. The same thread of thoughts kept playing in my mind like an auto-re-winded radiotape.

But I am really getting better now.

I asked God the same question when I stepped into the ward today.

"What can I do for my patients God?"

"What if something wrong happened and I didn't notice or worse still, I didn't even know that it's wrong because I have pathetically NEGATIVE clinical knowledge and skills?"

"What if I really really screw things up and give the nurse wrong dilution and drug infusion rate and my patient die stat or worse still, slip into permanent morbid status?"

But more vividly than last week, I heard some voices telling me a lot more.

Yes I have to be here.

And yes, I do not know everything now but it's the something that I have which God can use to its maximum potential.

And and yes, I may make error and I will definitely make error. But I do not do it intentionally and if it REALLY really happens, it's a learning point for me, an avenue of growth for me.

And yes, because God loves me and has arranged for me to be an inpatient pharmacist, I am therefore the most suitable person to be here and whatever things that happen now and forever are not to destroy me but to groom me to be a better person, as long as I face God in all that I do.

And why do I worry so much about endangering my patients' lives when I have committed them into His hands, whose wisdom and foresight are greater than mine?

Such a paranoid right?

I know.

Couldn't help it.

Shall end with an old hymn that reminds me about the little me and bigger Him:

Be Thou my Vision, O Lord of my heart;
Naught be all else to me, save that Thou art.
Thou my best Thought, by day or by night,
Waking or sleeping, Thy presence my light.

Be Thou my Wisdom, and Thou my true Word;
I ever with Thee and Thou with me, Lord;
Thou my great Father, I Thy true son;
Thou in me dwelling, and I with Thee one.

Riches I heed not, nor man’s empty praise,
Thou mine Inheritance, now and always:
Thou and Thou only, first in my heart,
High King of Heaven, my Treasure Thou art.

High King of Heaven, my victory won,
May I reach Heaven’s joys, O bright Heaven’s Sun!
Heart of my own heart, whatever befall,
Still be my Vision, O Ruler of all.

有上帝就好了

2010-03-13T00:42:00.000+08:00

One week in Johns Hopkins. Phew. It's been a long and tough fight this week.

I remembered few months back, when I was told that I could go Johns Hopkins for my oncology rotation - I was really really overwhelmed with joy :) No pre-reggers have been to JH for oncology attachment - most go to National Cancer Centre, so when I was told that I can go JH - I really really was very happy. Secondly, it's Johns Hopkins! No 1 Hospital in USA - medical excellence, great patient care, prestige, skills, research - ALL there! Plus the latest technology. It will be an eye opening experience I believed. And I have been to NCC for my FYP - I've had enough! Hahaha..

And I really like JH the morning I stepped into that place. I was following the CEO and the team during ward rounds - and it felt really different. Together with a medical consultant, oncology medical officer, the nurses, nursing director, and pharmacist - we went from one room to another, examining each patient and planning the treatment for them. I saw a really desperate young chap. A very young man indeed, and I saw books on prayers and bible beside him.

And suddenly I feel that it's so true that man seldom think of God and what He can do until the day they become desperate with life, and death. Whenever I see such patients, I really really feel like sitting down with them and give them a gentle touch.

Well JH doesn't have that many patients in the ward because not many can afford the bills that accompanied the name of this hospital. Most patients here are foreigners and very very rich locals who are willing to go ALL OUT to get a CURE for cancers.

Something very different of US culture is that they value pharmacist input much. What ever you said - they listened VERY attentively. And chemotherapies are very deep and intricate drugs that will kill if not properly titrated or dosed according to conditions of each patient - the more they will listen and value pharmacist's input. I love the way things work here - a very integrated multidisciplinary approach. Following doctor rounds in AH is very different, people are less receptive - and I am sure it's the same with other hospitals. I hope that one day what I see in Johns Hopkins will happen in AH too.

However, it was also after the first day that I felt hard to go on. I was in the inpatient pharmacy and I felt really ill-treated. I really felt very bitter, very crushed and disappointed. And I was "banished" from the room most of the times. I struggled very hard with my bitterness because I had to stay around somewhereno matter what. There's no where I could go. I had to be in JH and in the oncology wards. And my Day 1 really ended with a low-spirit Hooi Ching who really felt like giving up.

And I needed to present a case on Friday, and the case chosen for me was a complicated breast cancer case - triple negative (ie no targets to hit during tx) and a very progressive and unfortunate case. I was really disappointed because she did not attempt to go through an overview of breast cancer with me, nothing NOTHING. and then i was banished out with this case.

First - this is a very specialized field which a novice will need guidance to start to even comprehend the complexity of cancer, chemotherapies,radiotherapy and disease management.

And my patient's case notes - 1 YEAR + thick.

HOW HOW HOW??!

The "coldness" radiated from her really plunged me to a shallow pit for some time.

Why God always put me into situations :( From AH to JH, just weird scenarios and situations will come my way. Am I such an unlucky fella who always get shits.

It took me some time to pick myself up. At least when I realized that the ward has wireless, I became so relieved. I then can use my itouch to surf net to search for information or find answers to the queries I had while reading the case notes (because she didnt allow me to touch any computer - and this is so so abnormal -_- ).

2nd day was better. I have gathered that whenever I get into these shitty situations, it also gives me another opportunity to experience God in a more apparent manner. My greatest consolation was that because I am so special, that's why the people and situations I deal with, have always been the special ones.

1 - I am the ONLY pre-reg in singapore doing oncology attachment in Johns Hopkins for 2 weeks --> I guess that's quite a breakthrough.

2 - I do not care about what people think of me, because I like to face God in all that I do, albeit out of norm at times.

3 - I know that God doesn't put me here to let me die, but rather to rely solely on Him and watch how He will turn situations around for my advantage.

With these few realizations, I became more peaceful. I slowly digest the case notes and understand my patient's conditions. I don't know how to treat breast cancer but at least I managed to get help from huilin to print the NCCN guidelines from AH (YES she doesnt even allow me to print guideline that is absolutely relevant to everything that I am doing! ).

The greatest surprise I got was that God actually increased my interest towards the case. A triple negative breast cancer patient (this is rather bad, because all sites negative means that your drugs have no target to hit!) and the cancer has spread to brain, liver, lung and bone. It gave me a very good picture on how an aggressive breast cancer can progress and amazingly, I understand the story as time goes on.

Suddenly I see the reasons that God wanted me to be the one dealing with this situation:

1- Breast cancer is No 1 cancer of death in women

2- My hospital is gonna have an oncology dept in the new hospital and I can play a part in it!

3- Rarely people has triple negative breast cancer - and this patient suddenly plunges me to know the whole breast cancer in greater depth because she is difficult and I have to keep reading widely to understand it better, thanks to no help

4- God wants the people who bully me to be embarrassed

5- God wants me to know that nothing is impossible only if I fix my eyes upon Him and His works in me

The presentation to the in-charge went well. She was pleasantly surprised and mentioned she didnt expect a pre-reg to be able to deliver a presentation this way, with such details. The other person claimed the credit - saying because she always made me go and read case notes. -_-

I felt really happy do you know?

Not because I did a fabulous job, but more on the fact that I now really really know that God never leaves me and He will support me with tonnes of strong spirits and make me shine despite situations - only if I also put my entire heart and soul to seek Him and His perfect will in every of my situations, and not to be blinded by what's seemingly bad.

And I started to sympathize her. Because I heard people saying bad things about her, complaining about her etc etc.. And suddenly I became softened towards her. For someone who doesn't see the wrongs in herself and keep living on like these around people who said such things behind her for 10 years - so innocently pathetic.

Now that I am in the main oncology pharmacy, learning more with the in-charge, I really really feel rewarded. I know more things will come - difficult people, difficult situations, hopeless scenarios - But above all, i know who's in control and that suffice. (He always turn shit into gold:) )

Johns Hopkins

2010-03-09T07:12:00.000+08:00

First day in Johns Hopkins was really different. I was really intimidated, fearful, but excited with the ways things are. Felt as if I am dwelling with very rich people – mostly from Dubai, very reputable consultants and oncology doctors who speak in very good accentS, and I see a very integrated multidisciplinary approach in caring for the patients. There is a translator who serves as an intermediate between the doctor and the patients and this is the first time for me to hear Arabics talking.

With little guidance that I have, I was really afraid. It’s only Day 1 and I was already feeling it’s hard to continue on, but at the same time, a big part of me keeps telling myself not to give up despite circumstances – because I’ve been hoping for this to come.

TODAY will be different! I try to grill that into myself just now - because God is faithful. He will not let me be tempted beyond what I can bear. I know He will provide a way out even if I am tempted, so that I can stand up under it.

P/S: Does anyone know how to jailbreak itouch? I did once on mine but it restored to its original state after I updated the software L and the jailbreak website where I learnt from is no longer there. Will be great if anyone can teach me again, and to downgrade my software from 3.1.3 to 3.1.0 because the former does not support my Drug database.

Lord has created Me this way

2010-03-07T14:42:00.000+08:00

Today I am working as a pre-reg on a beautiful Sunday in Alexandra Hospital.
Today is also my last working day in AH, as a pre-reg.

I am going John Hopkins tmr. Oncology.
Pray for me :)

Today, when I was dispensing to a patient at bedside, I was quite affected by his expression. He was quite impatient, skeptical and rude. And then I kept thinking - why is he like that? It didn't affect me a lot, because I have a lot of patients to counsel on, a lot of discharges to type, a lot of supplies to manage. But the incidence with this patient triggered my thoughts a little.

Why is he like that?

And who am I?
Why am I like that? WHY am I the way I am?

People who know me well, work with me everyday, will always have to hear me complaining "oh no i put on weight etc etc". People who know me better will know that "abscess" refers to tummy in hooi ching's context.

Yea. I always complain that I am putting on weight. Despite running up and down, from one end of the hospital to another end many times a day, running up stairs from basement to the highest floor, I still think I am putting on weight. And as time goes by, as my clinical knowledge grow a little, or as I deal with more patients, I like to use the term "abscess" and "need to drain away my abscess". As time goes by, I heard people talking about abscess of their own - and I felt, eh, how come my lingo has become a common term these days among them?

This is the way the Lord has created me. I do not have the hottest nor the slimmest figure on earth. Yet with the little roundness I have, it's still a shape :) I am not slim yet I look fine overall, in totality. I still can fit into the clothes I buy online and receive good comments from people. I have freckles and pimple on the face, and my cheeks are always red - yet people feel comfortable looking at me because I have a friendly and approachable voice. I am not tall yet I always have people taller than me as good friends - Mindy is one example! Haha. I am not the smartest people on earth yet I do fine overall in every area of my life. My hair is dry but the permed hair has made me more ladylike as time goes by. I am a fast eater and I eat faster than guys. Yet despite the pressure I always exert on people during mealtime, I still have people who like to have meals with me and chat with me.

Suddenly I realized that I love the way I am. All these characteristics on me suit me very well. If any of them were missing/ became what I desired, I will no longer be so special. And I really am unique because God has made my appearance unique, my past experiences unique, my process unique, my thinking is unique, and my future gonna be unique too.

Me going John Hopkins - isn't it another unique thing of me? :)

Human is just so weird. Often, we do not see that we are already the most beautiful - because we often look at what we don't have or desire, but little did we realize that we have never really seen or accepted whatwe already had. Lately, I am surrounded by people who are dejected, low self-confidence, and people who are really tired. Sometimes, I tried very hard to push sense into them but in vain.

Why do we always see the insufficiencies in us and neglect the fact that we already had a lot? The cup is half empty - but it is also half-full.
Why let the low self-worth mechanism errodes us away when you can do so much more with what you are equipped with, once you are willing to accept the way you are? It is ok if one is not validated by people on the good things she does, but it is not ok to live by the validations/ praises - because they are just so meaningless.

Do everything in love. Love never fails. Because love comes from God and God will never EVER fail us. AND more importantly is that God has accepted us the way we are, the problem is - have you accepted yourself?

Things can be that simple.

Secret

2010-03-06T14:11:00.000+08:00

No matter how hard one tries, how spiritual one wants to become, the hidden secret is still hidden but not disappeared.

Things are still the same.

One is still as weak.

Still as emotional.

Feels like rejecting God.

Yet still can't live without Him.

Sigh.

5 minutes a day?

2010-02-21T17:08:00.000+08:00

Today something that Pastor said struck a chord in me.

What he was saying was - when our pure existence is to touch lives, to spread Gospel through people and our lives, how can we possibly not communicate with people through our daily living? How can we choose to be focused on the works at hands and forgo even a 5- minutes conversation with our loved ones?

I might have left out certain words/ sentences - but the gist is there.

You know, this is me.

Everyday, when I reach home around 9 plus, I will quickly go to shower and then start working on whatever that I need to clear. I know I will never be able to clear the piles of works - yet I keep telling I have to start doing before it's getting more.

I rarely talk to my sister, despite we are staying in the same house, sleeping on the same bed, sharing the same wardrobe. She doesn't dare to "disturb" me, because subconsciously, I actually radiate a "do not disturb me" signal to everyone.

One day. Two days. As time goes by, it becomes permanent.

We seldom talk.

And slowly, we lost the communication.

I became short-fused when I see her weakness.

She is still as tolerant. Although sometimes she also will let it off on me when I really piss her off. It's not that we are in a bad relationship, just that, our relationship is not getting better.

Perhaps it's typical for sisters to occasionally have a tiff, BUT i know things are slightly different for us. I remembered the reason I moved out from hall to stay with my sister was to get healed, and to build a home with her. I also remembered that we both hoped that when we decided to stay together, we would be closer and prayed harder for our parent's salvation.

But things don't seem to happen in this expected way.

No doubt I get healed, no doubt we are closer to getting a house.

But our relationship has been strained - because of my selfishness and my ignorance. I have always taken her for granted. If you know my sister, you will know that she's an easy going person, while I am more stubborn.

I know many times, we want to revamp this broken relationship. No, we want to overturn this barrier that's separating us. But I have always been too passive and I always tell myself - after pre-reg things will be better, I will spend more time talking to her.

But as I've told one of my colleagues that she cannot possibly wait for pre-reg to be over for things to get better - because if it doesn't now, it'll never be. The key is now.

And I think that I need to tell that to myself.

If I think that the barrier with my sister will disintegrate after my pre-reg then I am darn wrong. If I think that my workload will be less after pre-reg then I am also very wrong.

Because things will never get better unless I start praying about them now.

Can 5 minutes a day make things better?

I have too much pride :(

But I have no reason to hold this pride :(

This has always been bothering me.

And I know that now that I've penned it down, sent the petition to You, Your help will definitely come. God, I know that few months later, as I look back, things will definitely be different.

Give me the courage to crush the gate.

To you: You might have known, you might have not known about this website. But if you do know, don't let me know that you've known. I do not know how to face you if you really know. Because many times I cannot live up to what I've said. Yet sometimes I wish you know my heartfelt apologies. I know I have really been a nasty sister. I really know. But I really am blessed. I am blessed to have you with me through the years. I shouldn't have expected you to be a different sister, because whoever you are, whatever you've been, are really the best that I could ask for.

Lord, I invite Your presence to invade my life in a fresh, new way.

Help me to sense Your presence in greater power and depth than I have ever been able to before.

Take away ALL feelings of separation, rejection, or lack of connection to others,

and give me a greater sense of being connected to You.

What should I do?

2010-02-19T16:30:00.000+08:00

"Better is one day in your courts than a thousand elsewhere;

I would rather be a doorkeeper in the house of my God than dwell in the tents of the wicked. "

Psalm 84:10

I kept playing this song today. I have not encountered anything too grave or difficult, but lately, I have this 扎心 and thus I take a one-day leave today. Although I know I should start studying hard for my Pharmacy competency exam this coming Monday, I couldn't really do so today because I have an unsettled score.

Is it coming of age?
God, today I just want to devote every second of my life to hear Your voice. Subconsciously, I know that something has to be changed and something needs to be done, would You tell me?

I do not want to the good girl in people's eyes. Neither do I want to be the good pharmacist in people's eye, I just want to be someone who's able to live by Your grace every day and spread Grace and Love to others.

What should I do God?

Thanks VS Thank You

2010-02-19T00:43:00.001+08:00

Do you know what's the difference between Thanks Vs Thank You?

Honestly, I didn't know. But I do know now.

I once said thanks to people when I am truly grateful for what they have done but I often felt that this word 'thanks' is an understatement of my gratitude and sincerity.

One day, someone corrected me and told me that I should say "Thank you" to people when I am truly truly grateful towards people. I then practised saying Thank you in front of the mirror, using different tones and I realized that indeed, these 2 words actually transmit a heavier sense of sincerity and gratitude.

From then on, I started saying Thank you when I am really thankful for the good deeds people have done for me. Reason why I am sharing this is that today, like any ordinary day in AH, few words of thank you's suddenly set me into deeper thoughts.

Have I told you that I've been in Retail for 4 weeks already? Yeaps. I know that I mentioned inpatient in my previous posts but this rotation ended 4 weeks back and I was scheduled to go Retail for my final training.

I like Retail for various reasons. I have been wanting to have a comprehensive understanding on the products sold in my retail pharmacy, but I weren't able to do so until my retail rotation due to many constraints. Nonetheless, God has equipped me prior to my retail rotation such that when I am finally at it, I am more specific in my learning. I also sense a greater sense of independence.

Truthfully, I think I'm blessed with the best pre-reg training schedule. Started out in OP where I learnt all the operations and simple overviews of disease management and therapies, to Drug Information where I learnt about how to answer enquiries and find answers when I don't know what's the answers for the enquiries, to inpatient where the learning curve is steepest yet I feel that God has staged me well all along. I feel very protected throughout my pre-reg training in fact, it is as if everything just fall into place in the most perfect timely manner.

Oops back to the topic - why I like Retail.

Retail is a very special place. You get to learn about the most basic medicines - the medicines that people often buy. You learn about rehabilitation aids - wheelchairs, walking frames, commodes and their differences. In retail rehabilitation corner, things are priced differently and despite the similar outlooks, they serve different functionalities! So I actually took quite a long time to learn about this rehabilitation aids.

Dressings. You think it's simple? Wait till you see a real pharmacy's wound care corner and you will know it's a grave headache. You need to know which dressings are for exudating/ non-exudating wounds, stoma care, ulcer wounds etc etc.

In Retail, you learn more about feeds and toilet care too.

But what I really love about Retail is the patient interaction. This kind of interaction is different from that you experience in inpatient/outpatient. There is a greater educational component in retail, and I find myself involving more in correcting mindsets, offering non-pharmacological (non-medication) advices and chatting. Yea chatting. :)

Back to my thank you topic.

In the morning, an uncle came to my pharmacy and asked me if I could sell him some omeprazole. He is a very friendly uncle, not very educated but friendly. I could sense that he respects me. I checked in the system and found out that he actually took omeprazole for prophylaxis of heartburn due to some incidence with aspirin. He needed a few more capsules to last till his next appointment.

The first thing that came to my mind was - thank God! Thank God that omeprazole was re-classified to Pharmacy-only medicine 2 months back if not poor uncle has to get a prescription to buy this medicine, which is quite a hassle. Luckily, the amount that I could supply is enough for him to last till his next TCU.

Spent some time talking to him just to find out how he has been taking other medication - he is on aspirin so you can imagine what's on board for him. Clarified some misconceptions and also encouraged him to take his medication correctly. I actually praised him for being such a good patient - to come to Pharmacy to purchase medicines when he knows he doesn't have enough to last till the appointment, rather than choosing to miss the medication for a couple of days.

The conversation was a happy one. After he paid at the cashier, he kept saying "thank you" in the most unclely tone when he walked past my desk.

I felt touched. Really.

I have been quiet lately. Many things bothering me.

But his thank you woke me up.

During noon, there's this loving father who came to me asking for some advices.

He mentioned that his 8 year old daughter fell down yesterday and hurt her knee. The wound looks "raw" and he would like to get some dressings.

I asked a few questions. Mainly on how active is his daughter, how bad is the wound, how big etc etc because they affect what I want to recommend later on. So in the end, I recommended him to use primapore.

He was very happy.

Suddenly I thought of my father. Dad did the same thing before - he went to pharmacy to buy things when any of us were unwell - and he liked to ask many questions :) Hee..

I then advised him what should be taken note of when dealing with the wound. Is it ok to cover it all the time. Antiseptics and washing solution. What if she goes to school etc etc.

When I finally left him, he mentioned "I really want to thank you. You gave me a lot of useful advices. Thank you so much".

I felt touched.

You know, I felt that I could just die after that. Felt as if I can leave with no regrets because I've done all that I could. I felt that all the time after I dealt with patient that came to me. Felt as if I can just die now. Weird huh?

In the afternoon, a lady came to me wanting to buy zyrtec D and Clarinase. I asked why? She thought these 2 medicines are different in their actions. I told her they are the same, just different brand. Same purpose. Price difference of 0.04 cents only.

She then asked me about panadol and menstrual cramps for her daughter.

Spent quite some time with her to clear her doubts. I am really happy whenever I do this - educating. She said Thank You on her way out.

At the end of the day, when i was about to go home, a lady came to buy wheelchair for her father. Her father had a stroke. Spent almost half an hour with her. She told me stories - I actually enjoyed the conversations --> the stories evolving around her father were quite interesting. But it's also through her stories that I asked her to buy the cheapest wheelchair, albeit heavier. Not that she's poor [she drives a big big car!], but because of the environment their family is staying [they stay in the temple, her father was a chinese physician etc], I really do not think the lightweight wheelchair is suitable.

The lightweight one is made of cloth - it's very hard to clean. Though her father lost weights and weighs only 40+ kg, but given the temple setting where there's so much dust, and the dogs running every where, I really think lightweight is not a suitable option. Although it's easier in terms of transport, it may give more problems in many other ways.

I chose the standard chrome wheelchair for it's material - the leather can be cleaned easily and although it's heavier, it serves the basic functionality pretty well. No need detachable arm and footrest as requested.

Lightweight

Standard

I told them my views. She kept telling me how stubborn her father is. She's really quite engaging I must say. In the end they bought a walking frame and the standard wheelchair. When I came back to the desk to take my stuff, auntie kin told me that the lady wanted to say "thank you" to me.

Does it occur to you that I've been doing just one thing today - that's to count the number of thank you's I received?

I don't know why I was doing that. At that moment I really felt that there's a purpose in every thing that I encounter - the people, the matters. I feel useful to be able to provide solutions to people who really need them. The "Thank You"s were just gentle encouragement from God that when I was distracted by things, I should fall back to the blueprint.

I know that these Thank Yous are actually God's attempts to dilute my unhappiness and take away all dread of my problems, and to give me a greater sense of His presence. I am so happy to realize it.

From now on, I just have one thing in mind - to hear His voice instructing me, to draw strength and determination from His words and to live out the Christ in me.

Goodnight :)

Choosing the RIGHT thing

2010-02-16T20:32:00.000+08:00

Lately, God kept flashing certain words in my eyes.

OPTIONS.

That's the word.

CHOOSE.

That's another word.

How should I say? Many times, I felt suffocated by the piles of works that never seem to be able to clear. Many times, despite running out of time, I still choose to do things which I should not do - or rather, doing things that do not fit their priorities.

I often choose to rebel. I know what's right, yet I always choose the opposite way. And guess what? Then I suffer the consequences from my lack of control. I seem to be playing an episodic drama that keeps going on and on with no ending, and the ridiculous thing is, the storyline is the same - ending is the same, ie the pathetic, frustrated, unhappy me.

Sometimes I get so afraid. I am very scared that my growth in Christ has stopped together with that incident. Because I was not driven to desperation anymore, so I tend to take things for granted, take them in a lighter mode. But as I continue behaving like this, the tranquility in me is being distorted, and transformed into raging waves that almost engulfed me.

STOP.

Another word.

I have to stop letting loose. I have to buck up in prayers. It's not a duty, but that's how I've been living. I soon realize that praying is like breathing. Without prayers, I cannot even think properly and correctly. Without prayers, I feel so powerless against the many things that are coming towards me. Without prayers, Satan's thoughts keep attacking me, the old stories came haunting me, and I became more and more depressed and I lost the power to fight. Because I don't even know if I'll win the war?

That's Satan's tactic.

He made you feel that you've lost it before you even start fighting the war.

What's the point of having 100% oxygen when you're not even breathing?

What the point of having so much blessings surrounding me when I can't even see them because I have stopped praying?

I really have to stop being like this.

I need to get back to the heart of prayers, the heart of searching You, and You only.

And yes You're right. Often we can choose the things we do.

We can choose to pray and not to indulge in the worldly entertainment that only makes you sink deeper.

We can choose to think in God's way when the situation is bad, because God's promises never fail.

Choosing to do the RIGHT things can be so hard.

I tasted the intensity of this difficulty.

Yet along with it, I have also forgotten that things will not be impossible if I pray, if only I have the heart to pray. Set my mind to pray about it and have the willingness to anticipate how God is gonna work through me.

I feel so so stupid. For choosing the wrong things all the time.

I feel like there's no time to waste. I have to choose to do it right NOW.

God has not given us a spirit of fear,

but of power and of love and of a sound mind.

2 Timothy 1:7

Fear NOT girl!

2010-02-16T01:00:00.000+08:00

Happy Chinese New Year!!

The long-awaited break had come and I will be heading back to Singapore in a few hours time. Once again, I gonna say - time really flies :)

I didn't go out to visit many relatives. Opted to stay home most times. Not that I need to do work (yes i actually need to, but just too much inertia to do so), I wanted to rest that much. Jaded by work? Not really. Not to that extent yet. It's just that, at some points of your life, you'd wish to just halt for a second and let the brain go dead for that second.

Lately I've been running away from many things.

I haven't found time to sort the things out yet. So many things to sort out, all wired up in my brain, yet I don't have the time to unwire all of them. I didn't dare to un-wire them abruptly or do so in a rush (i am always good at doing things in a hurry mode), because they are important elements/ things to me, and I don't want to ANYHOW deal with them.

I need to find time.

Yet deadline is my most imminent enemy these days.

Had just finished one case presentation last Tuesday - The patient in ICU. I briefly mentioned him a couple of posts back. The presentation was well done and I really got a lot of good comments. I felt relieved. Really. I knew I was digging my own grave when doing this case, yet I couldn't let it go - because of the expressions of the mom and son. Although he passed away, eventually, deep down in my heart - I know I've learnt a lot from just this "encounter".

Back to the deadlines - pre-reg is ending soon.

Next Monday I'll be taking the Board Exam. I will get my license - if I pass the exam.

Then it'll be pre-reg project presentation few days after the exam - not even 30% done and I am so gonna vomit blood already.

Next will be the write-up.

Then the learning log - I really am quite sick of all these :(

And it's so easy to forget who's in control when things get busier.

God seems to be the last in my mind - yet He's always the first to hold my hands all the time.

Such an unfaithful me lately.

This is so human. Suddenly I am disgusted by myself. Because I assume one of the characteristics which I detest most in my entire life so far - To take people for granted, especially the one whom love you most.

This is so me - when things get busier, I became thrifty with my prayers and communication with God. I couldn't even attend my regular church meetings - and how could I have done that?Those are the only times that I get strengths to renew to live my life.

So I am practically a walking zombie.

I feel so far from the spirit.

Gosh, God.

I need to take things One step at a time.

If I say, "My foot slips,"

Your Mercy, O Lord, will hold me up.

Psalm 94:18

BOO!

2010-01-19T22:46:00.000+08:00

Doing work after work is difficult. Lately, I rarely get to do proper work once I reach home. I am too tired. Have been forcing myself to sleep early so that I can recover faster.

First time falling ill. Really ill kind.

I wonder if I have hospital-acquired pneumonia.

Good thing is, I am getting better now. Because of the medicines :)

It's my final week in inpatient, and I am doing surgical ICU yeah! It's a challenging place I must say. Each patient is so delicately handled by so many professionals and I always wonder if that patient can make it out of the SICU.

Luckily I have Adeline orientating me to SICU. Too many monitors and too many lines poking in and out of each patient. Learning to interpret the numbers and charts are challenging, but I am

quite happy to see all these myself this time round. I have always seen them from the TV, and now I am seeing these in real life, right in front of me! Feeling kinda excited, yet intimidated at the same time. Wish me luck :)

7 patients in SICU. My heart felt for this particular patient. A very unfortunate young gentleman. 29 yo. I have decided. I want to learn to manage this patient (so much to learn from Ad of course)! Gonna make him my case study for presentation. :)

Yet, I am not studying now. Brain is fried I guess. Today has been an intensive day for me. Was doing discharges with kelly, HY, jo and 2 other PTs until 3.15pm. Yet working with them are really enjoyable :) Although we ranted a lot (me too!! :D ), it's just one way of encouraging each other to keep the spirit up, and not to be daunted by the pilling discharges in front of us :) Because there were so many discharges, the fax machine was jammed and the ward supplies because of that. I felt like a phone operator the whole time. It was really very stressful handling phone calls and doing discharges on the computer at the same time. Can you believe it? The s3 phone battery went flat totally for a couple of times! Nonetheless, it was quite fun :D

1-2 weeks back, I had a chance to meet up with my good old friend daniel. Thinking back,

that was the very first time we spent such long hours together. 10 years of friendship yet we rarely had time for each other, because we were always busy at one time or another. Distance is

another problem I guess. Soon he'll be heading back to Aussie for his master, I am so excited for you friend! :) Don't worry about whether this is the right way to go, because wherever you'll be, God's favour is always with you :)

We had a nice dinner at a Spanish restaurant in Clarke Quay. It is really a nice place with good LIVE music. Being a gourmet, daniel really ordered the nicest food I believe :) It was a good night, and I know that it will be another 10 years before we can sit down like this again haha!

Met up with my TJC schoolmates last friday. Henry is flying back Aussie this friday, can't believe that he has been back for almost 2 months. I only got to meet up with him twice because of my schedule and his missionary trip. HENRY i am sorry :( we will res-

erve the UP to some other time yea? Appreciate him to coordinate the class gathering. It has always been the few of us all these years. My class then wasn't big to start with. only 21 students in the class if I am not wrong. Geraldine, Jan are my good friends in JC last time. Life has been so colourful because of them :) Somehow, I wish I have more time. I guess 3 of us have been too busy as time goes by. A citi gal, a teacher, and a pre-reg pharmacist. It has always been difficult to find a right time to meet up!! After pre-reg, iam so gonna do something about it! >_<

Lastly, let's give thanks for what we have today, and remember Haiti in our prayers.

MC day

2010-01-14T14:08:00.000+08:00

I must say, I am feeling quite sad to take mc and miss one day of my inpatient rotation.

This is my 2nd last week in surgical wards, and I am starting to miss it already.

Yesterday I was sos-ed to help s3 again. I like it do you know? I like running to medical wing to help out with dispensing and doing discharges. S3 is a very familiar place to me. Although we deal with geriatrics and general medicine there, I like this medical wing loads because the feeling when you step in there is different.

I was doing one discharge that was almost 100% similar to my viva question last month. Epilepsy and phenytoin. The titration of phenytoin doses and monitoring of the levels, as well as many components in the management of epilepsy, which I was so not good at before I started out as a pre-reg, have slowly become better over time. Sometimes, I really am amazed by God's works. Without me knowing, He has strengthened my clinical knowledge bit by bit. I really feel very blessed, because He always places me in situations where I could learn, and with people who are willing to teach and share knowledge with me. Sharon and Adeline are always busy yet whenever they are with me, they will ask me qns and share with me certain things which really stimulate me to dig deeper and to want to know more. Huiyie, siska are very nice seniors who always give me opportunities and encourage me to do what I think it's right; and dear joanne is really adorable because she teaches me a lot about managing a patient in all ways and I really am grateful to follow her these 2 weeks. All in all, I must say, I feel very blessed :) God always works in the most practical way!

Lately, I have been collecting a couple of interventions. These interventions are very important to me, because it has doctor's handwritings on it :) Sometimes, while reviewing wards, when I saw some drug-related problems that deserved intervention, I will write a note to the doctor i/c. Some doctors will reply and explain and thank you - and I really feel very touched when they bothered to reply me and thank me! It just gave me a stronger sense of teamwork :)

Back to yesterday, when I was in ward 3, I saw an old lady, in her 70s, looking really sad. Her eyes were tearing, she was standing at the corner of a patient's bed, her eyes looking across the cubicle, staring at that particular bed which was "cordoned off" by the blind. If I didn't guess wrongly, the team was resuscitating her poor old frail husband. So she was just standing there, her heart must had been really worried and sad. I saw her clenching her fists, trying hard to stand still. I can see tissues in her hands. I so wanna approach her to give her a hug. Yet I didn't dare to because my eyes were tearing too. I suddenly thought of my mother. In 10 years time, when none of us are by our parent's side, will she be like this old auntie, having to bear all agony by herself and there's nothing that she can do except to pray.

Sometimes it's such an irony. It's so ironic that you are dedicating your life to save others' lives but not your family's. Ever since I started working in inpatient, I kept imagining, trying hard to picture, how was it like when dad was hospitalized for arrhythmia the other time. He didn't tell any of us. The worst thing was none of us knew about it when that happened. Because we were all not by his side. My mom must had felt very very horrible then. I can so imagine it. Being an emotional woman, she must had been afraid, like this old auntie too.

Have you ever had this sense of guilt towards your parents?

I just hope I have more time.

The Past and Present :)

2010-01-10T22:47:00.000+08:00

Happy New Year to all :)

Not sure if you have this habit, whenever it's year end, I will normally spend quite some time thinking about what had happened throughout the entire year, and my prayer topics for the coming year. It's our tradition to share our new year prayer topics each year, but it has slowly become part of me to do so. The prayer topics for the coming year are very important, because they set the blueprint for the year and no matter what happen in future I will always fall back onto the blueprint.

During the last few days of 2009, I made myself think through the events happened in 2009 and how God has been leading me. If you ask me, I would say, I see different sides of the same God in 2009.

I saw Him patiently waiting for me when I said I couldn't. And when I relapsed, I still saw Him patiently waiting for me to surrender myself.

I saw Him making me courageous. He gave me guts to never look back.

He's the most comforting God I've ever experienced. Because admist my struggles, He stood by and listened, and secretly gave me seen and unseen presents through my friends, church, and family. Because of all that He had done and will continue doing, I feel so loved, pursued, important, liberated, and confident now.

Things become so much easier when you just face God in all that you do. In your workplace, at home, when you're out with friends, things become better when you choose to face God only and not man. That's the greatest lesson learnt for me, and I will never want to exchange this with anything in this world.

A quick glimpse of my 2009 prayer topics:

(1) Have faith in God - because faith is believing in something you cannot see

(2) Learn to observe and uncover God's will in every situation

(3) Be joyful not because I try hard to do so, but because nothing is more important than the absolute fact that God is with me all the time and that suffice

(4) Be a source of blessing

I can't say I have achieved 100% of them, but I am thankful that at least I achieved 60% of them :)

So my prayer topics for 2010 are:

(1) Continue to explore what God wants to build in me - because I realize that God is destroying something in me and want to rebuild something new. My character mainly, because I am 23 years old already and somehow, God wants me to grow up and be a real lady.

(2) Be an atypical woman. I used to be a typical woman who only pursues what a normal woman wants or needs. But through some key people in my life, I've been consistently told that that shoe size doesn't fit me.

(3) With whatever conditions in me - to live out God's perfect will

(4) Family gospelization

Do you believe that in every man's life, there's this huge gate. The existence of this huge gate bothers you because it doesn't open no matter what, yet you yearn to crash this gate and open it. This gate is like a nagging problem in your life now. It bothers you much. It could be a relationship problem, financial or family problem. This is something so close to your heart and once triggered, it will affect your thoughts, your mood, and even your way of living.

I once had such a gate too. Truthfully, I am grateful for the existence of this huge gate. I needed the gate then, for I was too proud to surrender. This huge gate gave me a reason to need God. And God used the same problem to teach me lessons about life and loving others. Somehow, I can't remember how and when, I no longer prayed to change the problem. I realized that a problem is no longer a problem when you put it before God and wrestle with Him. I needed that to reformat my life.

One day the gate just opened, just like how the Red Sea separated before the Israelites.

And the darkness was over, because the light is here :)

Next time, when I face another gate, I will use another tactic - that's how the Jericho wall was broken down. :)

Updates :)

2009-12-25T19:00:00.000+08:00

A little updates on what I'm doing these days.

I am in surgical wards these days. These wards mainly look after patients undergoing surgeries. To be honest, I have never seen so many gory images until these weeks. I have seen how blood oozing profusely out of the wound sites, pus, stoma etc... Because in this particular ward, you will come across many amputations. Many gangrenous foot - mainly diabetic foot, which have progressed until the point of no return and the only way to save the patient is to cut away the limb. So you have any friends/ family members who are diabetics, please ask them to be obedient to their medicines and diet - for the complications diabetes can bring are too much - it's beyond what a family can bear at times. If you have foot ulcer - seek treatment immediately, because if you don't, bacteria will colonize and as time goes by, you can no longer retain that part of your body.

Yea, so the most common things I came across lately will be diabetic foot, amputations, fractures, and many more. I must say, learning curve is steep, yet I am loving it because things are starting to piece together and I have many people who are willing to teach me :)

Another big blessing that God has bestowed upon me lately is Mayi - she has officially joined me in this project and having someone to share the load really make things so much more breathable. Really hope that this project will work out well - and I know it will. Mayi, if you're reading this, I just want to say thank you for being my partner and doing this together with me. :)

Me and my siblings went for a fabulous dinner last wednesday. There's this Japanese BBQ restaurant in CHIJMES - Gyu-Kaku! It's really nice. It is quite expensive but the food is really good - we ordered the beef that's imported from Japan instead of Australia and it's AWESOME!! Love the mushroom, the meat, the vege, the kimchi soup, the beer and the wine! Beef with wine is perfect combination I must say :) Although I was a little giddy after 2 glasses of red wine and some beer, I really enjoyed my night with my siblings. My brother got me a GUCCI RUSH perfume - aren't you surprised? :) My sister got me a hair clip and a tumbler because she sees me binging on caffeine and I lost one sometime this year. How thoughtful! :)

Yesterday

2009-12-25T18:37:00.001+08:00

This is one of my favorite songs lately. Been listening to it over and over again. Would like to share it here :)

Hey, if you're reading this - just wanted to let you know that I am well. God has been faithful to me, He never let me bear more than I could. Though I am still in a process, I am fine. When I am weak, I am never weak in others' eyes because He strengthens me. My greatest consolation is that I can keep on living like this because He loves me.

And today, as I sat down in prayer, I think about you again. So once again, I put you into His hands and I wish you're having christmas in your heart every day :)

2009-12-25T18:25:00.000+08:00

Merry Christmas :)

It's Christmas again. Soon it'll be 2010. When I was in primary school, my teacher taught me how to write dates on all our exercises. I remembered writing 1993. I was then thinking "Wah, when will I hit 2000?" It is just funny that when I were a kid I didn't think I will grow up so quickly. And now I'm a grown-up, yet I feel like writing 1993 again.

Time flies. And sometimes I don't even feel it passes me.

I feel like I have been through a lot this whole year. There's this huge force trying to destroy me completely this whole year. Everything about me, within me, are targeted in every way. I feel destroyed many times too. Crushed is the word. Yet this force is still there. Because the work has yet to be done.

Sometimes, it's not that you want to be blessed, it's just that somehow, you're forced to receive that blessing.

Just beyond words could tell.

You're my All in ALL

2009-12-16T01:21:00.000+08:00

I thank God

for putting many nice friends beside me

Such that when the goings get tough

We will cheer each other on

When there are mountains of things to do

We will do them all together

When we are all dead tired

We will just fall asleep even when sitting, together.

Sometimes it's hard to deny

Despite the many challenges

God still give me enough grace to pull through

Despite the many worries

God is still the God who holds my tomorrow

Sometimes

I just feel very glad

That no matter how I have been today, what had happened today

My future will still be good

Just because I have God in my life

My All in All..

2009-12-08T21:52:00.000+08:00

Is there a way out?

Why can't I do the things that I love, and don't do the things I don't like?

Is it just me being oversensitive or paranoid?

Why do I feel that God You always arrange me such that I will be dwelling the seemingly difficult task?

I feel that I am losing myself.

I no longer see myself, God. :(

I find myself numbed, painless, and ugly.

God, is there a way out?

I don't like myself.

God, please take away my life, when I don't have strength to give it all to you.

Season of Food :)

2009-12-02T00:05:00.000+08:00

I need a recipe for christmas turkey and ham.

And I need the secret of making the pot-pie.

Aw... and I need an oven too.

Suddenly feel like making cottage pie too :)

God, I wish to immerse myself in this baking and cooking atmosphere this month! :)

Random thoughts.. again

2009-11-20T21:34:00.000+08:00

Hello world, greetings from the airport! :)

Today, I have some encounters in the wards. Perhaps it's accumulative, and today happened to be the peak.

I think I like patient care.

Few days back, there was this 67 years old uncle got transferred to my ward. You wouldn't miss him. He's just so prominent. I find him very adorable in fact. He is severely obese, always in a drowsy state, and fall asleep easily even when sitting at the TV room.

And then i took a look at his IMR.

TB meds. Empiric treatment.

On warfarin, admist tonnes of other meds.

Sigh. He weighed 96 kg.

Reason I used "weighed" past tense is because he lost 5 kg over a span of 3-4 days. My anticoagulation pharmacist oversaw this uncle for his warfarin. It was through him that I learnt many valuable lessons. Lessons about managing multiple complicated drugs on a single patient who has so so many co-morbidities. Lessons about treating patient is just not about seeing the recommeneded numbers but really, to treat the patient rather than the numbers. And also, he reminded me of my dad.

Uncle is to continue 6 months of anti-TB meds, on top of his 9 other existing meds.

Typical anti-TB meds - 5 drugs - and because of his size, the max of all are used. Uncle has to eat 13 tablets of anti-TB meds half an hour before food. After food, eat his other meds (around another 10-13 tabs). Can you imagine such a pill burden on such an uncle.

Sometimes we always ask patients to be compliant to meds. We know every reason why they should be compliant, and we know it's for their own good. Yet, when you put yourself into their shoes, if you were them, could you even imagine youself taking 26-30 tablets a day. And they are at least of panadol size.

Yet, this uncle is so adorable. I felt like giving him a hug when I dispensed at bedside just now.

Uncle spoke Hokkien. But I can only speak 90% teochew 10% hokkien. Yet he understands.

He really has all of my heart - because through interactions with him, i know that he will be compliant. He's illiterate yet he will adhere to the numbers written on the drug labels. Everytime when I pat on his back, he will nod his head and signals me that he appreciates. Uncle cannot read, yet he knows some meds are for diabetes, some are for hypertension, and new ones are for TB. He even knows that rifampicin causes orangle discoloration of his urine and sweats because he noticed it during his stay in the hospital. Do you know how encounraging it is to find out that your patient actually take charge of his own health and know what's happening to himself, and to embrace the reality with courage?

Pardon me for the incoherent thoughts. Just suddenly have too much gushing through my brain. I am so gonna have a brain infarct.

Today, there's this good son whom I encountered that took all of my heart too. His father was warded for breakthrough seizures, and other diseases included dementia with behavioral disorders. Because of his illness, this malay uncle looked very irritable, and sometimes he will stick out his tongue to you. He is just so flustered, yet demented. He's like a kid most times.

And his son came to bring him home upon discharge. This son is a 30 years old obese man who's sweating very heavily because it's very warm in the ward. Yet the love and care he showers on his dad really touches me. He is a full time caregiver because of his dad. Unlike other people who don't care what the meds are for, he carefully tells me what are the meds and how he has been serving his dad the meds and these and that.

All these things meant a lot to me. They showed me that there are many people out there worth every of your time and effort.

Admist many nasty people, there will always be people out there who appreciates you. And I soon realize that what God said to me is true - Giving is always better than receiving.

2009-11-14T23:07:00.000+08:00

Got my 2nd marathon medal last Sunday :) Yep! went for New Balance X-Terrain Run and it was quite a good experience. Signed up for 15 km with hui ling and despite having to wake up early for it, it surely was a good run and I didn't regret it. I didn't stop until 13th km when the final 2 km runway was superhot and unbearable dehydrating. Could have clocked a 15 km non-stop run but nevermind, try harder next time. The terrain and beach run were fine, and they were not as scary as I had imagined. Certain part of the route reminded me of Adelaide's Barossa Valley though... oh man, I so wanna have a getaway :)

This is my 4th week in inpatient. On Tuesday while I was reviewing my patients' medication record, I saw the staff pushing something rectangular in shape out of the cubicle. My heart skipped a beat then. Auntie passed away. Sigh. Did a few interventions this week and I was truly satisfied. Asked doctor to change certain doses in certain patients because of their kidney malfunction, suggested an alternative which can give better result etc etc... Learning curve is steep every day, and I am loving the role which God has given me :)

God has brought me to the Heart of Worship :)

Today has been another good day. Met up with Mindy for breakfast before the lecture - we have not been spending time together for a long time! Can see that she has her own problems and worries, life has given her much weariness too. Somehow, I feel so relieved that we are still making time for each other, listening to each other's problems, and cheering each other on. She has been a good supportive friend while we were in NUS, and i hope that I can be her support when she needs one too, when it comes to work and strength.

Met up with my buddy Eric in the evening and we had our dinner at Mykii @Holland Village. It is a nice restaurant with nice ambience and good food. Enjoyed the dinner and chat. He's still the best in what he's doing even in Deutsche. Haha. He's buying a house next year - a condo man! So proud of you friend! :) Perhaps fenru has to go over more often to help tidy up the house tho :P

How have you been? :)

Screaming.... and Waiting.

2009-11-02T21:41:00.001+08:00

Today, old grandma at ward 3 kept screaming.

Today, old grandpa at ward 3 kept screaming for help.

Today, I feel like screaming too. :(

Lord, when I have trouble standing strong in certain

difficult situations, help me to not lose heart and fall into

discouragement. Infuse me with Your everlasting love and courage.

Enable me to be strong and whole in my mind, body, and soul

as I wait on You to move on my behalf.

To be or not to be?

2009-11-01T18:24:00.000+08:00

Hello world, how have you been?

I have been well I guess. Mid-way through my pre-reg already, if you are me how would you feel? Time flies I always say, and I have to say it once again. Time flies, and I am going to fly too haha!

Spent more time thinking lately. Not that I've not been thinking, but lately the thread of thoughts have taken another path, a new path I have to say. Will let you know once it's confirmed.

It's my inpatient rotation now - inpatient means wards. So I am now dealing with patients in the wards already. Have you ever wondered what a pharmacist do?

Many people ask why am I so busy when all that you do is to tell patient 'This is panadol. Eat 2 tablets four times a day for fever and headache."

At times I felt insulted when I heard these.

But very quickly, my heart immediately feel at peace because I know that I do not care much about what people think or say about me or my profession, my greatest consolation is that God knows.

Perhaps it's this indifference that makes me more hesitant in commenting on stuff.

Perhaps it's this indifference that makes me want to do more for patients if it's within my capability, albeit nobody thinks highly of pharmacist.

I am glad, for God maintains this serenity in me. I still go to bed every day with a tired physical body but I always wake up with a soul full of passion and adrenaline to do what I should. I finally learn to live with grace alone.

Inpatient pharmacy is like a battle.

Doctor writes orders for medication --> medication orders sent to pharmacy --> pharmacy staff have to check if the medications prescribed are appropriate --> sometimes we call up doctors to discuss about better alternatives --> process orders and supply.

In the afternoon pharmacists have to review all patients' medication profile in the ward. If you think reviewing is easy then you're quite wrong.

Do you know what it means by an appropriate therapeutic option?

A drug can be an option for a particular treatment yet it can be unsuitable for patient. Do you know how appropriate a drug is to a patient depends on patient's renal, liver condition, his age, his intake, his output, his illness, how sick is he, is he able to take medicine orally etc etc.

Do you know how much considerations one has to go through before deciding to go forth with a particular drug? And do you know drugs interact with one another too?

And if 1 ward has 30 beds, do you know how long it takes to review a ward?

And if there are 2 wards to review and you only have 2 hours, it feels so awful?

But I must say I like inpatient. Although it's a mad rush during discharge time, but it's then that I appreciate the role of a pharmacist more. As a guardian of rationale drug therapy, like what doreen always advocates, I do agree we have to intervene until the best is given to patients.

I am in S3. Ward 3 is a geriatric ward. Ward 2&3 feel like a mini-IMH most of the times. You see very old people. You see quite a number of patients sent from IMH for critical treatment. You see a lot of old people lying down and letting you do all that you want. You see very pathetic scenes. Sometimes you will hear people screaming.

The world is so real. SO is a hospital. I have much consolidation of thoughts throughout my rotation in geriatric wards. All they need is not medical treatment, but rather, a healthy consistent dosing of loving tender care. They need love.

If one day I am an old and frail 80 year old lady, please let the doctor know I've signed DNR. Please also don't poke me with needles and tubes and catheters and pumping me with potent antibiotics etc etc. Let me go.

Sad things aside, lately I have quite a number of encounters with patient. Yesterday, this 74 year old Eurasian lady sitting on a wheel-chair wrapped her hands around my waist and said thank you for nothing to grave to thank about.

You might feel like vomiting if you hear this but I feel like crying then.

She said "You're like a flower. Are you married? You are always smiling, you look so loving and caring." - when all that I did was to explain the importance of lactulose in her condition and told her not to miss that anymore.

She held my hands and gave me a gentle kiss and said God bless. I felt like crying. I felt as if God has been looking at what I've been doing and am doing. I just felt so trembled within.

And I thank God for giving me this consistent bolus of passion to serve. For without Him I am nothing, yet through Him I already have everything.

It is also because of His consistent guidance that I know that my life has a greater purpose and I am walking towards it.

Pray for me :)

Cut to the heart

2009-10-17T15:25:00.000+08:00

Lord, if these weakness of me cannot leave me, may You use them for Your Kingdom.

Lord, if these wandering emotions cannot leave me, please take my life away from me when I don't have the strength to die.

Lord, if these things in me bring sufferings to those around me, may You one day use the same things to bless them abundantly.

Lord, if this inferiority complex beneath the superiority complex in me cannot be removed, may You use it to teach me, nurture me, and lead me to greater stage.

Eating and more eating!

2009-10-13T00:28:00.000+08:00

I have been meeting up with a couple of good friends lately :)

Went to cafe iguana with pc and mindy on last saturday night. Mexican food and margaritas.

Don't really like the food, but the peach margaritas is really nice and i drank 3 glasses without me knowing, and soon realized that margaritas = alcohol, and got a bit giddy. Enjoyed chilling out with these 2 girls so so much. We bought our very first margaritas! Haha! So funny... we've been talking since our uni days that we should celebrate when we are finally able to earn our salaries etc etc... and now we're celebrating our very first hard-earned margaritas. So cool right :D

Mexican food again just now... this time was Holland Village's El Patio.. the food was average I thought, but I enjoyed the companies. It was pre-reg + shak + gerry. Free dinner somemore :D Haha! And then we hang out at NYDC wheRE I recommended them my favorite Boo-boo! Ate mudpie too!

It's ALL ABOUT BINGING and EATING!

I need to start running before I die during my coming race!!!

Met up with Linda just now and we chatted for very long too. This good friend of mine always has never-ending stories to tell... But the weird thing is, despite many scoldings from me, many scoldings from her, and many stupid things we did, we still enjoy sharing our stories to each other. I really like the way God brings the both of us together :) Anyway gal, the taxi uncle just now was very weird. He drove at 30 km/h throughout and sometimes I caught him staring in blank space/ slightly slow in response --> I was quite terrified by him!

I need to start preparing for my VIVA next week.

Need to start NOW.... like STAT!!!

Goodnight :)

Showers of blessings :)

2009-10-08T21:37:00.000+08:00

Met up with Hanwen for movie and dinner last Sunday. I needed to cover the floor on Sunday, but it was half-day and I met Shak awhile to go through project stuff, and she offered to drive me to PS to meet hanwen. So lucky and blessed of me :D It has been a long time since we both watched a movie and I must say that the movie we watched that day was nice and we had a good laugh throughout the movie. The Ugly Truth! Haha, yeaps it's not for kids, but it's funny hee :) After that we had our expensive dinner at LaoBeiJing, eating Beijing duck these and that -- Such a big transformation from student life to working life :)

We have known each other for 9 years already! How time flies :) And every now and then, as I look back, I am always grateful for her presence in my life. I truly miss the foursome gang, and I miss being there for her when she needs me. I must say that university life was a total shock and 100% change for the both of us - we went to different universities, we had different encounters, good and bad, and we grew up a lot during the past four years. No longer as pure and innocent, we've become more complex I guess.

The photo above was taken during our JC2 - when we were the Dance, Deco and Cheers IC of TJC Council. So young and innocent right??? Oh i miss my braces :D

A collage of what happened during my birthday. I had flowers at my doorstep in the morning! It's from my old good friend daniel! We've known each other for 10 years! My gosh I am getting old -_- Yea, he knows me pretty well and knows what I like about flowers too I must say. Thank you friend, truly surprised and I appreciate the thoughts and come home soon! :)

My sister brought me to a nice dinner and I must hereby recommend this restaurant to all of you. It's called DOZO. Don't need to find out more about it, just Go and See for yourself. River Valley Point. Nice Nice Nice! It's a Japanese fine dining restaurant, 7 courses.. Nice :D

Yeaps, I have had a good birthday :)

A Series of [UN]FORTUNATE events

2009-10-01T22:43:00.000+08:00

It's October already...

The weird thing is, I often visit my own website and it's actually quite a silly thing to do - because I am just seeing it and not updating it despite there's countless things which I want to say. Time flies, and things happened. And before you knew it, you're over that series of things. More will be coming ahead of you.

How have you been?

Truthfully, I know I have been myself and only myself ever since long time back. Sometimes I really have no time to organize meetings and hanging out with people, simply so loaded. Sometimes, I choose to not go out and just stay home - because all that I want is just being away. I know it's kinda weird, but this is something that happens episode after episode. Somehow, I am so used to it already.

OP rotation had officially come to an end in mid August. I honestly love it loads. Love the team dynamics, the adrenaline rush, the not-so-nice patients, the very grateful patients (and it's these patients who will make your day and give you reason to keep on going), the random stress and incidents here and there...

Something that I hated myself most was to leave with such a bang. I knew no one was there to blame me, but I really felt like crap when it all happened. Such a marvelous history that a pre-reg who's not even 3 months old had so many "incidents". A big part of me was so ashamed by myself, yet a small part of me was telling myself it's ok, what doesn't kill me make me stronger - at least for all that I've done not so correctly, I will make sure I won't do that the same way again.

But the day when it was rolled out during Roll call, it sank deep down into my heart. Trying so hard to look up at the ceiling so that nobody would know that I was tearing. It was just so hard. I just hated myself so so much. For everything. I sat in the toilet and all I could do was just cry and cry. And telling myself I'd better stop crying STAT cos I needed to attend a meeting immediately after roll call.

The period when everything was just oh-so-wrong.

Yet the amazing thing is, it didn't swing me to my lowest point. And my only guess is because I've been through worse shit than that and nothing seemed comparable to that.

And to Shak, Gerry, and every pre-reg, I just want to thank you all for being there to encourage me and reassure me that I would be fine and nobody was blaming me for anything.

I know you were all standing outside the toilet when I was tearing inside. I just wanted to hide and pick myself up, and I just want to always look strong like how I always did. Thank you for believing in me.

Shak, even though you're not reading, I am really grateful for who you are and everything you've done. Thank you for listening, over and over again. Thank you for accepting me the way I am, understanding me that I am human and everyone makes mistakes. Thank you for telling me that it's ok to have emotions. Thank you for being such a friend and preceptor.

To Gerry, I am sorry, but at the same time, I am thankful for what have happened. I know it hits me hard and I have been a little negative at that point of time.

And to Claudine - I really miss OP and seeing you FM-ing, and I don't know why.

Perhaps it's just me. When you said that it's because I never avoid problem and no matter what comes along, I will just go forth and take it, that's why I am predisposing myself more to such incidence. I don't know if it's wrong, but I know if the same things happen again, I will still go forth and take them up, because I should learn to take them up and handle them.

Whatever it is, I am glad that they were bygones and I know I grew up a little..

A break back home was definitely light-heartening and I was so happy to see my niece and my sister.

She is really very adorable :)

I am officially an auntie! oh so old already :(

And my sister surely had a tough fight delivering the baby I know. She's a little weaker. Maybe it's me growing up. I feel that I have more responsibilities. I want to be there for my sister so much. And realizing that I am working and able to provide some support to her and her family made me feel so relieved, and happy at the same time. I like the new mission in me, and I really start liking providing for others, just like how God has always been providing me everything that I need.

After my short break was my first case presentation. It went quite well, and I was relieved and happy. I am deeply comforted by the feedbacks, and I know that God's telling me that when gave me a bolus of sadness, He will ensure that I will have an infusion of peace and blessings later on, as long as I hold onto His love, die to myself, and have my visions right.

Oh and I attended AH's DND with the others too. We won the best-dressed table k! So cool - pre-regs made such an impact wahaha... so happy...

The ever-so-cool and fun-loving pre-reggers :)

Me and Shark

Pre-reg with Gerry - she's my inspiration and ONE of the big reasons why I joined AH

With Claudine!

Yea, so we really had loads of fun :)

AH culture is so different from other hospitals' - we work very hard, and when we play, we go all out too :) I like being at where I am, there are so many things I can provide, give, share and learn. What more can I ask?

So after OP I went to clinics, IT then finally 4 weeks of DI.

Honestly, DI is another favorite!

Enjoyed the challenging stuff the doctors, nurses, pharmacists asked. Finding the answers from the shelves of references and product inserts and online literatures are really very challenging, yet rewarding at the same time. There's so much that you could learn in DI and tomorrow is my last day in DI already. :(

Some questions asked these 2 weeks were - how to treat elephantiasis and do we have these medicines in AH?

How about leprospirosis?

Bactrim for acne vulgaris - severe?

What is nesatidine?

And many many more! Although sometimes people can be nasty too - but it's ok, at least I learn about all the things they asked! So exciting right :)

Tomorrow I am going back to the ward. I really hope things can be better. Somehow, I have started to enjoy the 8 flights of stairs that nobody seem to walk. It gives me moments of silence, secret hideout to pray, I need to listen to God's whispers of encouragement.

Hooi Ching, don't forget that no matter how big how bad how horrible the situation is, it won't be as real as the fact that God is with you and He knows about tomorrow. Do not forget Hooi Ching.. that the God who has been to your tomorrow is here to lead you today. Do not forget that He will not let you suffer more than you could. Do not forget that come what may, all I need is to stay focussed on the only direction. Hooi Ching, just do not forget..

God, please give me courage - to accept things that I cannot change.

Help me to refuse to let what appears to be happening to distress me and cause me to doubt.

Enable me to get my eyes off the things that make me afraid and put them on you instead.

Help me to pray about everything and then, once I have prayed, to leave the answer to that prayer in Your hands.

Amen.

2009-09-30T21:58:00.000+08:00

Serenity Prayer

God, grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change,
courage to change the things I can,
and the wisdom to know the difference.
Living one day at a time,
enjoying one moment at a time,
accepting hardship as the pathway to peace;
taking, as He did, this sinful world as it is,
not as I would have it;
trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His will;
that I may be reasonably happy in this life,
and supremely happy with Him forever
in the next.

Amen

Wrong

2009-08-23T18:23:00.000+08:00

Something is wrong with me :(
I keep falling sick.
The degree of lethargy just let me slip into unconscious state every 5 minutes. The whole day.

I really need to find a way to stop falling ill. It's affecting my everything and I cannot afford to take MC AND i have many things to do.

I need a jab!

And I think something is wrong with me lately.
I finally received complaints about me/ something I did wrongly etc.

I need strength.
And I need to remember the warmth of patients' gratitude.

Running my own Race

2009-08-16T22:50:00.000+08:00

Hello :) How have you been? I feel weird lately - I kept having people saying sorry to me.

Not sure what "sorry" means to you, but if it is possible, how I wish I can be not "sorried".

Back to the title of today's post - running my own race!

Signed up for SAFRA/AHM run with a few people. But it eventually turned out that I have to run alone because of "sorries". Suddenly I remembered what Linda kept telling me that very Thursday. She spent the whole night lecturing me on loving myself, and stop distributing my all to others and leaving none to myself --> I kept asking her why she always praises me. Linda, if you're reading this, I just wanted to say Thank you. You really made me feel as if I'm the best person on earth! silly ger :) Hugs :)

Yea, so in the end, I have no partner to run the race with. When I thought I could be partner(s) to some others, but life always has its never-ending challenges for me. Didn't blame any of you - really, I know the work loads, I know that you sister demands etc... I am glad that zee reminded me that this is a race which I could run on my own.

You know, suddenly I am being reminded of Fireproof's "You never leave your partner". But ironically, despite me being a faithful follower of God, often I'm the one being left behind - by loved ones, by friends etc... I am not lamenting about my life, I just am amazed how God has used every single thing/people/ stuff in my life to ensure me to be able to walk my life with Him, albeit this is "lonely" in many's eyes.

When I realized that God will be with me throughout the race, I am deeply comforted. And zee also encouraged me a lot. SP, thank you :)

The most I've run was 5km. But I'm sure I can complete my 21km run, as long as I keep moving forward - be it walking or running or running in very baby steps.

And so I went for the race.
And I enjoyed the race - because I have God, the music, the sceneries, and I know sp was waiting for me at the finishing line. :)

To me it's my very first 21km marathon.
Completed within 3 hours (i think I should minus another 10 mins for going to the toilet).
It's not just a normal marathon to me.
I know God is teaching me a huge life lesson.

I have my first medal!
21km finisher :)

First time me and sp joining the same marathon. Thank you so so much :)

*something is wrong with blogspot --> can't post photo! Somehow I got a feeling that it's due to my computer --> it's failing me! HELP NEEDED! *

What is Pain?

2009-08-10T10:07:00.000+08:00

Have you ever had nightmares?

Don't know why, I started having nightmares and near to terrors 2 years back. I will have vivid dreams of something that had happened or going to happen, terrified and awakened, and find myself drenching in sweats. And I will be unable to sleep thereafter and keep sweating for the rest of the night.

The repeated contents, the similar dreams, and the seemingly never-ending terror. I know Satan is always toying me around with this.

And I had one on Saturday night again.
No matter how life seems to go on, the ache and pain still linger.
Somehow I thank God for retaining me a glimpse of humanity. For my humanity set others free and I really don't mind bearing the consequences myself. Ironically, I am still able to wake up each day thanking God for the pain, for it is necessary to make me who I am or who I should be. I cannot imagine myself establishing my happiness on others' sufferings.

I must say that God has the most utmost sympathy for me. Besides that matter, He has shown absolute compassion in every other aspects of my life. For example, even though I have been busy with works and sometimes missing fellowships, I still have a bunch of brothers and sisters who will constantly reminding me that they are always there for me for the years that I have left. I have not been devoured by the works or climbing the success ladder, for life is about relationships. Sometimes I wonder why people will sacrifice relationships for money, work, and their own selfish desires. What I can say is, if those things can be exchanged with money, can be bought with money, they are not something you should work very hard for. The glory of success you get from work, the name you yearn to earn for yourself, they are all passing clouds and you can't bring them all when you bid farewell to world.

To continue, even though I am new to the job, and just started dispensing 4 weeks back with my amateur experience in counseling.. but when God sees my sincerity of wanting to give my best to my patients, He rewarded me abundantly. To my amazement, I have patients thanking me for explaining things so clearly to them, the importance of their treatments, the important things to take note of for the medical conditions they are suffering and the medications, I can see the doubts leaving their faces and what remain are 'oh now I know... etc etc..' I am very encouraged when I see that their confusions were gone. And sometimes, I see 1-2 of them coming back to me after paying for their bills, just to thank me. And suddenly I understand that my life is with a purpose, and God can use me to bless others around me, be it patients or colleagues, be it friends or lost friends. I know every single reason why God has meticulously put me in such a place like where I am now, and I'm deeply consoled and become more courageous come what may.

AND I have a very good preceptor whom everyone is envious of. Although we always stay up late to discuss about the project, I will be fetched home by the most awesome MAZDA black car. The conversations, the little transparencies that I could share are really what I deem to be important. What more could I ask when God has carefully selected the most awesome people to be placed around me?

And I have a sister who is consistently showing grace to me. We're buying house soon :) Went to look at a few at bedok south road, but the house is too old and small and we decided to keep searching until God says stop. I really wish to have a house soon because this house will be a place which nobody can kick me away, push me away like how it has been all these years. Sometimes, when people push you away too, home is the best place to hide and cry isn't it? :)

Spent the whole day out yesterday. First was church, then was sentosa and volleyball, last was watching fireproof with the bunch of blessed brothers and sisters. I am so thankful that SL offered to send me home yesterday, and again, for the blow that I had in the morning, God was trying to tell me that He's with me no matter what and as long as He is with me, I do not need to worry.

Come and think of it, I really should count my blessings.
When I need help, Help always comes.
When I need love, Love always comes in different variations which I can easily identify.
When I need to cry, He always listens and whispers into my ears that He knows what's best for me.

At the end of the day, though reluctantly painful, I still must say the pain is good for me.
It draws me to God every single day and it is this unfailing God whom I need most in the storm. The conditions He has placed in me are the best for me. I still have sufficient grace despite the thorn. Living with it for the rest of my life is unbearable, but breaking it down one day at a time seems to make thing more bearable.
When you think you have been through the toughest, suffering the aftermath is nothing, considering you only have that few years left before you bid farewell to world :)
Amen :)

ps: I heard that the movie UP is very nice, if you (anyone!) has time let's go and watch together. I haven't watched movie for a very long time.

My sister is currently in the delivery ward now. She is going to be a real mom soon :) Next year, after my pre-reg, I wish to bring her and baby for a short trip. Any recommendation? :)

2009-08-03T23:10:00.000+08:00

ALLO! How's life for you so far?
Life has been busy for me - many things to do, many things to think about, and many things to learn too. However, I am still very thankful that I enjoy and am liking what I've been doing, just that when the physical limitation of my body overwhelm me, it can get quite tiring. :)

So far so good I guess :)

I have one new anticipation these days... that's waiting for the arrival of my niece! My sister has been issued an emergency letter for her labour since last week and the poor hubby and her have been staying at home waiting for the baby to come out. So funny :) oh man, 9 months of waiting and hoola! She's gonna be out real soon!

Went to see some baby products with my sister just now. Believe me, I haven't had the time to do some casual shopping ever since I started working. But I've been reminding myself that life's principle is love your loved ones and myself and I should not let my work overwhelm me and neglect my loved ones. God, give me strength and the wisdom to stand firm on these and to not compromise! I know that this is what You want in my life too!

My last week in OP... in fact I'm quite reluctant to leave OP. I really have enjoyed myself in OP and learnt a lot too. Today a patient thanked me, and I'm sincerely encouraged. Perhaps to you OP is a mad rush. But to me, OP is more than the mad rush. It's about the communication and understanding. I do not know how to express the feelings I have about OP and the daily happenings in OP, I just am very admiring everyone in OP and am touched that they have been patiently guiding me along all these while.

I am such a lucky girl that God has graciously put me around nice people :)

(Hee poor writing skills :( )

2009-07-28T22:37:00.001+08:00

Deeply awed :)

Reconciliation with God

2009-07-18T00:19:00.000+08:00

I have had a tough week. And I learnt something new from huilin... TGIF. It means thank God it's friday! hm... i was being laughed at for not knowing this famous term. CM further reinforced that this term existed even in malaysia. Alright, I am just too ignorant I guess! haha.

I started developing fever on saturday. Cough ensued quickly. Over just one night, my fever had spiked a high note. Never had over 38.4 C for fever before. So this episode was pretty uncomfy to me. I usually tolerated fever quite well, it didn't even affect me in the past. So yea, this time I was given a 2 days MC. Some medicines, antibiotics inclusive. H1N1? haha, perhaps H2N2. I don't know. My opinion is that it's just hospital acquired infection due to nature of my job and my immunity hasn't always been too good to start with.

I took Monday off, just to have a good rest at home. I need to recuperate before it turns worse. No 2 days MC because there's a project which a NUS student is also handling as part of her project during preceptorship, so I have to be there for the discussion before the execution. I was also reluctant to take another day of MC, for I may miss some invaluable insights that I always gain while on the job.

But God sort of gave me a signal few days back. He sent 3 angels telling me to pace myself, for I have been pushing myself too hard they said. Spiritually, I know the spirit within me has been reminding me that the weariness from working always overwhelm me every single day that I have been cutting down on my time alone with God. The 'me' also warns me that it is the constant communication and fellowship with God and church which sustain me to this very day, and I actually get a bit lost and uneasy when I am unable to spend more time on prayers and attending church meetings.

So God gave me a timely break. To pause, and reflect. And to realign my priorities, before I get lost in a sea of learnings and homeworks or works. Honestly, I appreciate that calling very much. I am also very thankful that God didn't let me continue doing what the world seems to always has been doing (and it's called norm) and He gave me a wake-up call before things become messier.

One day of rest. One day of thoughts and prayers.

Although the cough still lingers till today, I am happy that fever is gone. Starting from wednesday, I also developed very serious diarrhea. Huilin said I lost weight tremendously. Haha! I don't know if I should be happy or sad. Went A&E and get my meds. Hopefully the health can only get better from now on.

This week is also my 5th week in OP. I am starting to feel a little sad, for I have grown to love OP, and reluctant to leave. Nonetheless, I know I have to move on to another station, for I might love the next station too!

Started dispensing this week too. Finally I grew to know the drugs and therapy better. As I counsel, I learn; as I observe other pharmacists dispensing, I learn too. I feel that everyday of working is rewarding, cos I learn many little small things bit by bit everyday. Now I truly know what it means by Learning is a Journey. It doesn't stop after school, but it keeps on going even when you are working. And I know even the most senior pharmacist is learning everyday too!

So yea, you can see me dispensing at outpatient pharmacy already! Starting from the short scripts, slowly going to the longer ones. The only hope within me is to be able to provide answers to patients and hopefully I can be the last stop of all their queries regarding their health/ medications. I know it's not easy, but I know God honors this little wish of mine, and I know He puts me in a place for reason.

I don't know why, whenever I can associate what ever things that I am doing has a reason, and has been carefully planned by God, I feel hopeful. And the good thing is, dispensing has been good so far. :)

Another piece of good news. Every pre-reg has to do oncology traning too. My hospital doesn't have an oncology unit, so normally they send pre-reggers to NCC for training. I have been wishing and praying that there is a change of plan this year so that I can don't go NCC for training (reasons... hm... I will tell you next time, if you ask!). It doesn't seem possible in fact, because NCC is the only place in SG providing extensive cancer services and treatment.

BUT.
As I received the latest schedule, I am utterly impressed and happy.
I am going to John Hopkins for my oncology attachment!!! WHEE!
It happens that NCC has restrictions on the number of intake and only 3 out of 5 of us are going NCC and ..... I am going JH!

There's always hope in God :)

Commencement 2009

2009-07-13T18:28:00.000+08:00

The future doesn't lie ahead of you, waiting to happen -
It lies deep inside of you, waiting to be discovered.

Life is a journey

2009-07-09T17:45:00.001+08:00

Last Saturday was our graduation dinner. Despite the hectic schedule and endless homeworks, we managed to have a fun time together at Hilton hotel. :)

Time flies.
4 years of university life had just ended and now we are all working already!
Again, I must say, learning is a journey, AND happiness is not a station we arrive at, but the manner of our traveling.

To my fellow classmates, congratulations and may we excel in the paths we are undertaking :)
I am really glad that our commencement run has left a legacy to our juniors!

Make a Smilebox photobook

3 weeks into pre-reg...

2009-07-02T22:09:00.000+08:00

COming to the end of my 3rd week in outpatient pharmacy.

I like outpatient pharmacy, not sure if OP likes me too. Time passes very quickly when you're in OP, esp unknowingly, you have seen 500+ prescriptions pushing out to the counter to be dispensed. I remembered first week at OP, my legs were like detached from my body at the end of the day, I practically can no longer FEEL the presence of my legs.

Try standing from 8+ am to 6pm with only ard 45 mins of sitting time in between.
Perhaps you'll like the utter numbness.
Plus the shoes - they're killing me.

Second week in OP - I think the legs weariness was no longer that severe.

Now that I'm in OP for 3 weeks already, I can proudly say that I've developed tolerance to long hours of standing. Sometimes you won't even realize that you've been standing for so long. And thank God, I am adapting already.

I like doing counter 1. You get to see all patients coming to the pharmacy, cos you're to issue them a Q no, and answer their queries. And I always see the carebear at the end of the shelves. Come to my pharmacy and you'll see a whole shelf of Carebear! So cute - and I bought 2 in just 1 week - one cos is yt's bdae, one is cos HL's getting for her bf - aww so sweet :D

Nonetheless, the longer I spent in OP - the more i realize how stupid and useless I am.
Some days, I felt really sad because of my slowness in learning certain kills, I actually clogged up the workflow in the pharmacy. I feel so stupid and useless :( Worse still, I have my comfort food at the end of the day - Mc Donalds, to relieve my sense of incompetency.

Today, I actually am very happy cos I typed more than yesterday - and slightly faster than yesterday. Maybe I should stay back after working hours to familiarize with the shortcuts etc then I won't be so slow anymore!

Give me time.
And God, I'm so thankful that the people in OP are very considerate and tolerant to me. I can't ask for more!

I stayed back on Tuesday just to learn about the creams and ointment.
Finally I decided that I must put a stop to this many feeling of stupidity and start doing something. Anything. But I also realize that I'm a slow learner - 2 hours and I only managed to know the availability and the potencies of the creams - and their roles in treatment. But nvm, I'll try harder next time!

Ask me about creams/ ointments. Anything! I will answer to the best I can, and if I cannot, I will find the answer out, I promise.

I need to stop thinking and start doing SOMETHING!

2009-06-29T20:56:00.001+08:00

I have some thoughts today and I think it'll be nice to write it down before I jump into work again.

I like AH :)

I know I'm incompetent, but every day I find more reason to want to be a pharmacist.

I like the people here.

And I think i like outpatient pharmacy more and more.

If you are free, come to AH to visit me. I'm in the outpatient pharmacy at the main lobby, you probably need to identify me through my eyes cos I'll be wearing mask.

I want to be a pharmacist.

And I am glad that I am growing more passionate towards this profession which is so un-noticed amongst the many healthcare professionals.

:)

Blue Skies

2009-06-28T16:10:00.000+08:00

On days of gray
When doubt clouds my view
It's so hard to see past my fears
My strength seems to fade
And it's all I can do
To hold on, 'til the light reappears
Still, I believe though some rain's bound to fall
That you're here next to me
And you're over it all

Lord, the sky's still blue
For my hope is in you
You're my joy
You're the dream that's still alive
Like the wind at my back
And the sun on my face
You are life
You're grace
You are blue skies
You're my blue skies
When nights are long
Seems the dark has no end
Still we walk on in light of the truth
For waiting beyond
Where the morning begins
Is the dawn, and you're mercy anew
Oh, to believe we're alive in you're love
There is so much to see
If we keep looking up

You fill the heavens with hope and a higher love
A picture, a promise for life

2009-06-17T22:47:00.000+08:00

Today is my 3rd day of work. Yes, hc has officially joined the working adults world. I am feeling quite sad and reluctant about it. Nonetheless, I know that with the beginning of this new phase, God will continue to show me His perfect will in this new journey.

Waking up is a torture so far. Although the official working hour is from 9-5.30pm, but I usually have to reach by 7.30 for clinical forum, 8am for CE ( a form of discussion/ lectures involving pharmacists and technicians). The greatest consolation is that, I am not the only who has to wake up so early. The whole pharmacy dept is there despite it is so early. I really benefit from the clinical forums - this is a session whereby the more senior doctors will share some information about practising etc etc.

I think I am in the right hospital. I remember how in the other hospital, I used to be struggling very hard to gain as much clinical knowledge.. because the culture was such that the more knowledgeable people = the more competent people.

I like AH for its culture.
Patient at the heart of focus.
I see how everything every dept does is to bring better quality of care to the patients coming to this hospital. And I am truly glad that I'm here because it's this passion that will make me stay happy in this profession. So yea, if you ask me how different AH is from the other hospital I did my attachment at - it's the focus of the hospital I guess and the culture. I think these combination suits me better :)

It's a tough fight I have to say, but I know every pre-regers are going through this together too.

Anyway, I need to find time to read Toyota Production System hee!

Thoughts

2009-06-14T21:55:00.000+08:00

When I went to China last week, I stayed in a small farm village with my relatives. Long-distance relatives? Not very sure for the past history was very complicated.

Nonetheless, I had a good experience staying with them, and I enjoyed every moment and simplicity presented right in front of me.

The people there are poor, but they never feel lacking of anything. They don't lack of money, because they can survive every day through everything that is available to them. If they need to cook, they will get the fresh vegetables and potatoes from their own farm; they don't lead luxurious life like us... they don't need nice clothes, nice watches, nice hair etc etc...

The farms

This is where the water comes from... Underground water is so refreshing :)

I have much reflections then and now, but they are all beyond words can tell..

The basic of life. Live everyday one day at a time, and being contented with what you have and not thinking about what you don't have.

On a side note, I got bitten by sand fly and and I think it's quite bad :( They are very itchy and swollen and doctor said I have to be on medication for 20 days. Luckily it's oral medication, John was saying he needed to take 2 jabs when he got them last time in army. Thank God!

Tommorow is my first day of work.

Just now I had a heated argument with him and I felt so hurtful for what he said and I told myself not to shed a tear in front of him. Why is my existence in this world such an undesirable thing to him? How can I not feel this way when I was treated like this from young till this very day?

Is my birth into this world so annoying to you? Why why why??

2009-06-11T01:49:00.000+08:00

Today I have an awful feeling which I fear much.
So many moments of helplessness, prayers, and silences but they all failed to take this awful feeling away.

God, when will this end :(
Is it because I am starting work?
Or is it because I have this conviction that things inside won't change despite the work?

Please let me wake up in heaven Lord.

Hopefully by then I won't have my lion head with me too.

Contentment

2009-06-02T23:33:00.001+08:00

I think I’ve NEVER taken so many flights in such a short time span. During my 20-days Australia trip, I took 4 internal flights and 2 international flights, at least. How I wish I can witness someone needing to give birth while on plane but it never happened. I have to leave on a jet plane in 4 hours and sleeping at this time is not a good idea because I will not get a REM sleep.

My niece is coming up this August, and I’ve been thinking what English name I should give her. (I have quite a large autonomy in this area hahaha!)

I like the name Paul. But it’s not for girl. Maybe I’ll name my nephew Paul in I have one. Yes, Paul is one of my favourite characters in the bible.

Not sure if you’re as silly as me, but have you ever wondered why Paul always liked to express joy and give thanks for every single thing that happened to him? He seemed to be able to translate every adverse situation as some thing good. More than that, he actually internalized the ‘good thing’. The whole book of Philippians is to tell believers that God knows our needs and promises to provide for them. We are to trust him with an attitude of thanksgiving and find contentment in what we are given.

Bible always says ‘ask God for everything you need Phil 4:6’.

But do you have times when the one thing you want is the one thing you never get? You’re not being demanding, and you think that you really ask according to God’s words – and all you want is an open door or an extra day or an answered prayer – for which you will be thankful.

But no answer.

Have you ever questioned yourself – what if God says no?

What if the request is delayed or even denied??

What if God says no, and says ‘my grace is sufficient for you’.

Another question – Will you be contented?

Contentment. That’s the word. Heart of being at peace even if God gave you nothing more than he already has. You plead him to keep your child alive, your business afloat, your cancer cells die away on its own – what if God says – My grace is sufficient for you. Will you be contented?

If you are contented, can you tell me why?

And one very important question - Is God still a good God when He says no?

Notice

2009-06-02T21:55:00.000+08:00

I realized I didn't finish my previous post about Hahndorf. If you're interested to see and know how this German village on Adelaide Hills looks like, you need to flip my old posts. Nice pictures, so it's quite worth taking a look at the photos I think :)

While I'm Waiting

2009-05-28T10:43:00.000+08:00

by John Waller

I’m waiting

I’m waiting on You, Lord

And I am hopeful

I’m waiting on You, Lord

Though it is painful

But patiently, I will wait

I will move ahead, bold and confident

Taking every step in obedience

While I’m waiting

I will serve You

While I’m waiting

I will worship

While I’m waiting

I will not faint

I’ll be running the race

Even while I wait

I’m waiting

I’m waiting on You, Lord

And I am peaceful

I’m waiting on You, Lord

Though it’s not easy

But faithfully, I will wait

Yes, I will wait

I will serve You while I’m waiting

I will worship while I’m waiting

I will serve You while I’m waiting

I will worship while I’m waiting

I will serve You while I’m waiting

I will worship while I’m waiting on You, Lord

This song is played in the movie 'Fireproof' and if you haven't watched this movie and would like to, please let me know because I got this dvd - one of the most fabulous dvd I've ever had.

I've been led by this motto lately -
'If you suffer from doing the wrong thing, and you suffer from doing the right thing ;
Isn't it better to suffer from doing the right thing despite the pain?
Because the right fruit and spirit surely follow you if you choose to do the right thing, for God is faithful and He knows how hard it is for you to do the right thing. The important thing is, when you suffer, do you CHOOSE the right path?

Just like a smoker wanting to quit smoking.
If you choose cold turkey, ie totally refrain from lighting up a cigarette by your willpower, do you have any idea how hard it is for the smoker?

When the withdrawal symptoms come - is it not more easy to light up the cigarette to soak yourself in the tobacco? But you know that this is not right - for it leads to the failure of your quitting program and you have to cope with the emotions of 'why can't I resist at that defining moment and let loose my guard.' And you'll feel sorry for those people who are supporting you through this quitting journey.

But if you choose to persevere. and endure... one day, two days, three days... finally, you're over it. Yes, it's awful... but in the end, you get the right result from choosing the right path at the defining moment.

Both ways are painful and torturous to a smoker choosing to bid farewell to cigarettes... but depending on the option you take, the consequences and the emotional experience are different.

Is it not better to suffer from doing the right thing?

When you know you've done the right thing, resisted the temptation, made the right decision despite the pain... though you may not see the good things now, but I believe God honours and loves and is touched by you for having the heart to do the very thing you did, because He knows how hard it is for you.

There's always hope in Lord.

Again... I am writing this to remind myself not to be deceived by the seemingly bad emotions gripping me right now.

If you're experiencing some difficult times too, I would like to invite you to join me to wait upon our Lord. Let's not wait for the immediate removal of problems, but for the joy, peace and hope that He'll restore in us one day, when the time is ripe.

Ecclesiastes 3:1 (NIV)
There is a time for everything and a season for every activity under heaven

Isaiah 40:28-31 (NIV)
28 Do you not know?Have you not heard?The LORD is the everlasting God,the Creator of the ends of the earth.He will not grow tired or weary,and his understanding no one can fathom.
29 He gives strength to the wearyand increases the power of the weak.
30 Even youths grow tired and weary,and young men stumble and fall;
31 but those who hope in the LORDwill renew their strength.They will soar on wings like eagles;they will run and not grow weary,they will walk and not be faint.

Psalm 27:14 (NIV)
Wait for the LORD;be strong and take heartand wait for the LORD.

Murdoch

2009-05-28T09:26:00.000+08:00

I'm currently writing this blog post in the library of Murdoch University. Good morning to a brand new day! Winter is here and the temperature outside is 18-20 degree, but as a human thermometer, I believe the temperature is lower than that reflected.

I guess my skin is succumbing to the winter wind that the fingers start to crack and dry up, and bleed ocassionally. If you've not known, I'm in Perth now, staying in my old good friend's big house. And yes, it's Agnes :) The reason that I'm in Murdoch University now is also because of her. She will be having lesson from 9.30-12.30 pm, and we'll go Swan valley thereafter. Decided not to go Penguin island with mj for the cost and I think I'm a little overloaded with wildlife for the past 15 days already.

Murdoch University is a small insitution that provides a variety of courses ranging from Sciences to Engineering to E-commerce etc etc. Heard that UWA is a nicer campus, comparable to Melbourne University, but it's quite a distance away so yea, maybe next time.

How do you feel today?

Hm.. today I feel a bit like myself. Not that I don't feel like that for the past few days in OZ, just that today is my 2nd last day in this big country, and I have a lot recollections and reflections going through my mind. Have been waking up at 7am for the past 2 days and I guess the tiredness got the better of me when it comes to evening, brain isn't working well. However, sometimes it's better for the brain not to work too don't you think so? People always say your are... cos you think too much?

Don't really have much things to say. I'm just grateful that I see Agnes here in Perth and she's still the familiar girl I've known in the past, the difference is she's married now. Haha... Sometimes it feels very nice to indulge in the blissful atmosphere radiated from the family. I'm very happy for you girl :)

It's 9.30am now, she should be having a 20 drug quiz - which she didn't really study - as usual --> she always does that but overall, she can still perform good enough. That's what makes her so special and entertaining I guess hee.

Have a good day folks :)

Hahndorf

2009-05-27T21:07:00.000+08:00

There's a very nice town on Adelaide Hills and this place is called Hahndorf. It's a German town because these Europeans were amongst the first people who settled in Adelaide due to Christian prosecution in their home country. In fact, driving up hills is one of the popular activities of the locals here because of the fresher and cooler air on Adelaide Hills, as well as the unique German atmosphere surrounding them.

Hahndorf is a must go if you decide to drive to Adelaide Hills. It retained the rich heritage of German settlement, perfect sceneries, renown food and pastries, as well as Lutheran churches that very much reflect the German culture.

Oh, forget to tell you, Hahndorf is the name of the captain of the first ship landing on this area in 1880s.. 'Lest we forget...' You'll see this quite often in Adelaide, as well as many monument hills/ areas in Australia.

The garden in Hahndorf.

Coincidentally, it's South Australia History week so I get a chance to visit the art gallery in the heritage museum. It exhibits the historic paintings from the the 1800s and suddenly I find myself immersing it such a refined and classy activity... it's really quite enjoyable to go through the paintings :) Not many paintings were displayed, maybe all in all, there were 50 plus paintings but they were just so treasurable for the rich history behind them, as well as the time they were painted.

As I've mentioned earlier, Lutheran Churches are common in Hahndorf and if you wonder how people in the past held their services, it's worth taking a look at the following pictures:

The bench, the pulpit message, the piano for hymns.

The daily routine - A church centered living.

Let's take a closer look at the piano yea :)

You can't come to Hahndorf and not eat their famour Apple Strudel :) Food in OZ is expensive but I personally feel that it's worth trying because they really make good pastries, cakes, and wonderful cuisines. The lonely planet says I must eat the Apple Strudel here and I did... yeaps, fabulous!

The German Cake Shop

The Apple Strudels!

Yummy :)

The Lutheran church where I saw this:

I took a lot of photos and if possible, I want to make a scrapbook and put every snapshots in it. Wonder if it is possible, like that I'll have 5 albums and I have shortlisted 500 photos -_- will burn a hole in my wallet I guess. Need to filter!!!

Anyway, I have some nice photos to share again!

Make a Smilebox slideshow

Last, but not least, I need to say a big thank you to this fella: